Personality

Recently I have become very interested in the psychology of personality types. Not only do I find it interesting but I also want a better understanding of who I really am. After taking a personality quiz based on the writings of C. Jung, I found that I am an ISFJ. As I read the description of an ISFJ I was floored by its accuracy, they should take out ISFJ & just write Aubrey in its place. It was almost like one of Oprah's Aha! moments. For the first time why I say, think, & feel all the things that I do-was so clear.

I feel that I'm here on this earth to take care of others, in some way, shape, or form. I take rules literally & thrive when I know my boundaries. I am trustworthy & often told "no one knows this but you". I remember emotions & expressions explicitly, & accurately judge ones intentions behind them. 

But with these "good" traits there must be a few "bad", I don't say "no" well, I give until I'm sucked dry-I don't know when to stop, I won't confront an issue-instead I will allow it to build, boil,  & instead of erupting I will simply quit the person. Theses are not traits that I enjoy having, if I have quit you it has been a defense mechanism, one that has taken month or years to of quiet pain to take effect. When associating with me you will probably immediately find me to be reliable, consistent, & a touch judgemental-good luck but know that I always expect even more from myself than I will from you. What Jung personality are you, take the test online. You might be surprised what you find out & I'll cross my fingers that you have your own Aha! moment.(they are the best!)

Late night toilet update

The toilet saga continues: It's 11:00 at night & I just had to pee in my backyard. I didn't hear any shrieks of terror from the neighbors, the moonlight must have been dim. The puppies were a bit confused at the sight though, I think "who wants to go potty?" just took on a whole new meaning for the dog-girls. The house reeks of Liquid Plumber & there is sewage in the showers so bathing for work tomorrow isn't an option but, a big shout out to the kitchen sink for draining properly for brushing our teeth & washing our faces. I will be stalking the plumber in the morning, cross your fingers for an easy fix...

A small victory

Today my patients baby cousin came over to visit. He had beautiful rolls of flesh for thighs, a soft fat belly, & 2 sweet dimples on his cheeks that snuck out with each giggle. 

For the first time in three years without a thought or self-psychoanalyzing I walked to a baby with a purpose & scooped him up. We bounced, cooed, laughed, had a bottle, & rocked to sleep. 

As he snuggled into me I felt completely accepted by such a sweet little stranger. I want to believe that in his soul he knew I needed a moment of healing, the purity of him in my arms was beautiful. It wasn't until I had to leave that I realized the hurdle I'd finally crossed, there was no anguish, pain, or  jealousy associated with a baby & I coexisting together in a room. It wasn't me against the baby, finally. 

Toilet

**Warning** this post will give you a mental image of pee & poo, it is intended to be humorous, read it in your best sarcastic Aubrey impression voice.**

Not only is my lady-plumbing(stupid ovaries) backed up, so is our house plumbing. We have had toilet drama since we bought this house. Out of the blue the shower won't drain. Use the sink & the toilet starts to bubble. The toilet fills to the brim when all you do is pee & use 4 squares of tp. The best stuff is when sewage comes up the bathtub. 

We've replaced the toilet with a fancy-expensive-new Kohler smart flush, had the city come inspect their portion of the line, had a plumber out twice, used Root Be Gone once, poured countless bottles of Liquid Plumber down the tub, plunged til' our biceps & abs are rock hard, & as a last ditch effort used a jug of sulfuric acid. That worked for one week .

This morning I tried to flush a Yorkie turd & a water roach that was still twitching & the toilet filled to the brim, all I could do was to sit down & cry.

 Then I prayed for the weirdest thing I've ever prayed for, for God to clear our toilet lines & saying outloud "Satan, I banish you from our plumbing". How many times have you heard that? I bet God just chuckled...

My man is out of town, I don't have the funds for a plumber, & this is not a job that I prefer to handle. I'm still waiting for results & trying desperately to persuade my bladder to be calm. I really would rather not pop a squat in the backyard & educate the young sheltered neighbor boys about female anatomy through the chain link fence. So, somebody hurry, quick call Mike Holmes or do us a favor & send out a prayer for our toilet. 

The perpatrator.

Letting the sleeping dogs lie...

Here's why the dogs do NOT sleep in bed with us.

THE MOMMA:

THE DADDY:

I think that explains it.

As if you didn't know this post was coming...

Kim Kardashian is pregnant. 

Entertainment media has gone insane with: Kim K takes her fetus to the gym, Kim K's maternity style, Kim K-will she be a good mother? 

I couldn't be pissy-er about it. IT being the fact that I'm still childless, but "kimye" reproduces & the stupidity of our nations fascination with a chick who's famous for nothing but having a big ass. It's annoying .

Mostly though, I'm heartbroken for that innocent baby that will be born into a life of endless publicity & criticism. Will the baby even feel true love from its media whore parents, or will her team of nannies be her source of  all things parental?

Duh, obviously God has a plan for every single person & that nothing ever really makes sense to a simple person like me but, why does that sweet baby get gifted to those parents? Why is the plan for Chris & I  to be to suffer childlessly? (& her sister Khloe)

As I rant about others having babies, I also weep in joy for my soon to be new niece, for the kindness of a surrogate for Giuliana Rancic, & two of my best friends that are expecting. I'm so happy for them, but my wounded heart won't allow me to enjoy their bellies like I want, my defense is in distance & knowing as few details as possible. The Kardashian pregnancy is being force fed to us all by our media, I have no control over how much I see since its treated as breaking news on tv, facebook, & at the grocery checkout. Please, please, please make a fool of me Kim & Kanye, love that baby more than yourself(which is ALOT) & know how incredibly blessed you are.

The Darkness

I feel absent from my own life lately.

While there are some great things going on, I feel as if I'm surrounded by dark shadows.

I mean this not in my "normal" emotional, pessimistic way but, deeper. Darker. Some of it may be related to winter seasonal depression or junk I shall not talk about but, I know that the majority of it lays within our struggle to have a baby. December marks THREE years of infertility & miscarriage, December 31will be the day that I should have been giving birth to our second firstborn. Mourning babies lost has been a difficult experience, the moments of grief are unfulfilling, fleeting, & inconsistent. I want a gut wrenching sobfest to spew out at least some of the pain. Instead it sneaks up on me at the grocery store in the checkout line, during a toast to the newlyweds, as I perform my job duties, & of course, the stupid baby commercials on tv.
I think of my babies every single day but, I want to accomplish some sort of recovery from their loss & the ongoing inability to get/stay pregnant. I want to be able to dig my way out & carry on. But our options of "carrying on" such as IVF, adoption, & surrogacy all come with a high monetary price, & where will that money ever come from? Insurance only covers oral or injectible fertility medication, anything beyond that is our problem. We have hit a brick wall & I'm consumed by it, hence, I'm absent from the rest of my life. Knowing that we are meant to be parents but not having a sweet baby to love is like that itching feeling that you've forgotten something that makes it hard to focus on anything else & it'll drive you crazy until you finally figure it out. I am wholly consumed & in love with babies that I haven't met, I'm just not me without them.
Some of you may read this & think that we just need to move on, it's not meant to be, or that your "words of wisdom" will help us to to get over it. If this is you: please stop reading, go away, & never state your opinion to me. You haven't walked in these shoes. You'll hopefully never know the feeling of failure to give the man that you love a child that he also so desperately wants, the anger towards your own body, bitterness towards society for treating infertility like a dark secret, or fear that no one will pick you from others just like you to raise her baby. Instead, you can pray for this: fertility & strong uterus that bears a healthy baby, or a birth mother who desires that Chris & I give her baby a life in our arms & hearts.