Oklahoma State Aquarium

For Labor Day weekend we went to Tulsa to spend some time with Pop & Bubbly, while they attended the OU season opening game we went to the aquarium. 

Brit was initially overwhelmed by the amount of people around us by very quickly became enthralled with the fish. 

Working Mama Blues

My dream as a little girl was to grow up & become a mother, specifically a stay at home mom. By the grace of God I finally have the baby I have always ached for & my gratitude for my son could never be adequately expressed in words. I recently returned to work since we can't make it by without my financial contribution due to our selfish & foolish spending habits in the past.

Everyday I send my son to be held, fed, & nurtured by someone else & I have never been more disappointed in myself & am genuinely angry that I didn't figure out long ago how to avoid this. (but I must say that if he must go to school, his facility has been fantastic) 

My already high-level emotions are on hyper drive, there is a lot of crying on a daily basis. As I kiss Brit goodbye I cry, I usually tear up at work several times a day, & when I walk in the door at night I practically sob upon taking Brit into my arms.

My job doesn't allow me to escape from the thought of my baby since I'm a pediatric nurse. My heart & soul ache for both day & night with him, mere hours in the evening are not nearly enough. I'm jealous of the time that his teachers get with him & that they get to watch him evolve into a sweet & happy boy. By the time I get home he is exhausted, fussy, or sleeping-all I do is hold him, there's little time for playing, reading, etc. Dinner, bills, baths, & life require attention too. Our weekends are a mad rush to accomplish everything it takes to run a household & at the same time trying to make every moment with my boy count. Since he has begun school & taking is a bottle all day, breastfeeding & my supply have taken a hit, I wanted to refuse to exclusively pump & bottle feed-but it became unavoidable this week. He has become so used to the bottle that he doesn't efficently or effectively eat at the breast. While I am still the one providing his nourishment my heart breaks at the loss of the experience with him-there is such beauty in the relationship between yourself & your child through breastfeeding. I cannot begin to understand how so many mothers trade it willingly for a bottle.

I feel stretched so thin & I know I'm battling the dark grip of depression again. The fight of getting Brit here was finally won, but the loss of raising him the way I have always dreamed of has been a massive blow. Repeatedly analyzing our situation doesn't help, I just keep thinking I could figure out a way to stay home with my boy & I don't know how to stop. I'm trying to cope & move on, this is the not only breaking my heart but it's also the loss of a life long dream, which is terribly hard to give up. Yes, there are worse things in life, but this was/is deeply important to me. I knew before he came that I was at an elevated risk for PPD due to multiple factors, forgetting the negative & embracing the positive hasn't been a solution, it's a band-aid fix. I want to be heard & even if what I say is stained & dirty-to be listened to & truly supported-not shushed with shallow responses. Depression is ugly, a glass half full approach isn't the cure. I feel hopless, alone, & angry that I can't just simply enjoy this time in my life after  the raging war to get here.
And just so that you know, there are many other factors that contribute, but don't need to be detailed & discussed here, I've shown enough ugly for now. These words are honest & from my heart & may not be embraced by each person that reads them but they are my reality & I ask for you to be kind in your thoughts & responses.

Brit's Baby Shower

Last weekend we finally got to have Brit's baby shower. My little red-headed man was the guest of honor & thoroughly enjoyed being passed around the room. 

My two closest & sweetest friends, two kind sister-in-laws, & two dear ladies organized a beautiful party, I felt so honored by the event. It was planned to consider all of my prefrences: simple, blue, & NO baby shower games!

There was a table for everyone to sign a diaper with silly or sweet words.

My favorite foods & beverages were served buffet style with the cutest touches.

MMM-Mimosas! Mama's first drink in a looong time!

Divine Red Velvet Cupcakes. I think I've eaten about a dozen.

I got to see friends that I have missed desperately.

We were blessed by so many gifts, I had such a fun time opening them.

By the end of the party my kiddo was wiped out from so many snuggles & kisses. There is something special about having the baby there at his own baby shower-better than playing some game for sure!

Chris made an appearance & I made it awkward. (I have no clue what we are doing here)

I want to thank each sweet lady that hosted & attended, we were so blessed by you that day.

*Weeza, you are the best girl I know, thank you from the bottom of my heart!*

A Father & a Dad.

My father Bo died when I was two years old. 

It may have happened in 1984 but, it still hurts today. My brother T, was still in the womb when it happened, it was horribly unfair to him. I frequently wonder who I would have be if I'd had Bo in my life longer, it's an unusual struggle.

We were fortunate to be raised by our mother & when she remarried D in 1987, he adopted us. Sometimes I feel a little guilty for missing Bo because it's almost like downplaying the role my Dad has/had. I should probably skip the guilt & instead feel lucky to have two men that were willing to be our father, we have a father(Bo) & a dad(D). And because we have dad, we have a little brother, B. But, my brain makes assumption-would be-comparisons between fathers because my relationship with my Dad has never been perfectly smooth, which, I think it's no ones fault, just that my spirit has always known a different father.

A few years ago I asked my mom why when I was three, did I had name a pet rabbit Pooter? She explained that Bo called me Pooter & that I had been a little daddy's girl. It felt like a punch in the gut since I'd never known I had at one time been a daddy's girl, it was the complete opposite of where I stand in my Dad relationship. With Dad I have always insisted on my independence.

My wedding day was especially tough for me in this respect. I wanted to honor both men, so I had my biological last name hyphonated to my middle name on the invitations, my Dad walked me down the asile, & then the pastor acknowledged that Bo was there in spirit. But I still wished Bo had been sitting there on the front row as I began that new part of my life. 

I got an email today with a picture of Bo & I in 1982 & it stirred up the emotions that prompted this post. I am the spitting image of my father & as my brother T gets older I see more & more of Bo in his eyes, they make some of the same facial expressions too. 

Not knowing Bo as more than a face in pictures-I sometimes feel as though he wasn't real. My little arm resting on his shoulder proves that he was, I actually touched him, that he held me & loved me. Looking at this picture it's hard not to feel cheated that I can't reach out to him now.
 My grandmother spent so much of her time with me telling me about him but, I don't think that she ever recovered from his passing-his life & death were a huge part of her identity. I'm grateful for her commitment to keeping his memory alive but I don't think of him everyday, I have my moments when I look at photos or have a life event.
Like I said: it's an unusual struggle, I have difficulty processing & absorbing being the child of a dead father & a living dad.

Little Eyes

Friday night I was slumped on the couch after an exhausting work week.

I was just about to try to motivate myself to find some sort of housework to tackle when my sweet friend L.A.V.H, sent me this out of the blue:

Link to source

And to think,

when their little eyes opened, 

the first thing they saw was the 

face of Jesus.

The face of Jesus statement affected me so profoundly that I immediately began to cry, not sad tears but, tears of amazement that they missed the pain & trauma of this world & were born directly to eternal life into the arms of Jesus! His face is the first & only sight that those sweet little eyes peeked out at. He is their Father. 

WOW! 

I haven't ever thought of my babies in that sense before-I was mindblown, a friend metioned a long time ago that I had angel babies in heaven but, this was a whole new thought. A thought that is so simple & true that I cannot fathom why it had never occured to me before.

I still want to have those babies here with me right now but, what an amazing alternative.

 I completely believe that I will meet my children someday, that we will be able to communicate with one another, and that they will occupy bodies (or whatever) of the person they were intended to be. We will have a joyous reunion, until then I have an amzing quote to help me through the tough days when I feel incomplete without my sweet little babes.

IQ

First of all, I believe my intelligence is most evident in an artistic sense & that artistic smarts are hard to test with numbers & symbol matching. Secondly, IQ test apps are killer for my ego. I took a test last week on the Ipad (since lately I seem to be into tests but , I do question if they are legit) & I should have used a scratch piece of paper to help me solve but, I thought I'd be a badass & just eyeball it. I ended up with a score just slightly above average. I'm the gal that rarely plays board games because I can't stand to lose & I feel like I failed the stupid test. Then I made the mistake of telling my husband the score, he still loves me just the same but did reveal his genius level IQ score after my confession, jerk. The man could be in Mensa or work for NASA or hold his own up against Einstein. After his revelation, all I want is to be a smartypants damnit, I just want to keep up! I told him he better hope & pray that our unborn children get his intelligence, otherwise dad will be a miserable frustrated mess helping with homework. As much as I wish it would, being good with color & design doesn't help a young kid out in school-I speak from experience. I think I'm going to retake the stupid test until I come out with an even better score, would that count?

Personality

Recently I have become very interested in the psychology of personality types. Not only do I find it interesting but I also want a better understanding of who I really am. After taking a personality quiz based on the writings of C. Jung, I found that I am an ISFJ. As I read the description of an ISFJ I was floored by its accuracy, they should take out ISFJ & just write Aubrey in its place. It was almost like one of Oprah's Aha! moments. For the first time why I say, think, & feel all the things that I do-was so clear.

I feel that I'm here on this earth to take care of others, in some way, shape, or form. I take rules literally & thrive when I know my boundaries. I am trustworthy & often told "no one knows this but you". I remember emotions & expressions explicitly, & accurately judge ones intentions behind them. 

But with these "good" traits there must be a few "bad", I don't say "no" well, I give until I'm sucked dry-I don't know when to stop, I won't confront an issue-instead I will allow it to build, boil,  & instead of erupting I will simply quit the person. Theses are not traits that I enjoy having, if I have quit you it has been a defense mechanism, one that has taken month or years to of quiet pain to take effect. When associating with me you will probably immediately find me to be reliable, consistent, & a touch judgemental-good luck but know that I always expect even more from myself than I will from you. What Jung personality are you, take the test online. You might be surprised what you find out & I'll cross my fingers that you have your own Aha! moment.(they are the best!)

Late night toilet update

The toilet saga continues: It's 11:00 at night & I just had to pee in my backyard. I didn't hear any shrieks of terror from the neighbors, the moonlight must have been dim. The puppies were a bit confused at the sight though, I think "who wants to go potty?" just took on a whole new meaning for the dog-girls. The house reeks of Liquid Plumber & there is sewage in the showers so bathing for work tomorrow isn't an option but, a big shout out to the kitchen sink for draining properly for brushing our teeth & washing our faces. I will be stalking the plumber in the morning, cross your fingers for an easy fix...

A small victory

Today my patients baby cousin came over to visit. He had beautiful rolls of flesh for thighs, a soft fat belly, & 2 sweet dimples on his cheeks that snuck out with each giggle. 

For the first time in three years without a thought or self-psychoanalyzing I walked to a baby with a purpose & scooped him up. We bounced, cooed, laughed, had a bottle, & rocked to sleep. 

As he snuggled into me I felt completely accepted by such a sweet little stranger. I want to believe that in his soul he knew I needed a moment of healing, the purity of him in my arms was beautiful. It wasn't until I had to leave that I realized the hurdle I'd finally crossed, there was no anguish, pain, or  jealousy associated with a baby & I coexisting together in a room. It wasn't me against the baby, finally. 

Toilet

**Warning** this post will give you a mental image of pee & poo, it is intended to be humorous, read it in your best sarcastic Aubrey impression voice.**

Not only is my lady-plumbing(stupid ovaries) backed up, so is our house plumbing. We have had toilet drama since we bought this house. Out of the blue the shower won't drain. Use the sink & the toilet starts to bubble. The toilet fills to the brim when all you do is pee & use 4 squares of tp. The best stuff is when sewage comes up the bathtub. 

We've replaced the toilet with a fancy-expensive-new Kohler smart flush, had the city come inspect their portion of the line, had a plumber out twice, used Root Be Gone once, poured countless bottles of Liquid Plumber down the tub, plunged til' our biceps & abs are rock hard, & as a last ditch effort used a jug of sulfuric acid. That worked for one week .

This morning I tried to flush a Yorkie turd & a water roach that was still twitching & the toilet filled to the brim, all I could do was to sit down & cry.

 Then I prayed for the weirdest thing I've ever prayed for, for God to clear our toilet lines & saying outloud "Satan, I banish you from our plumbing". How many times have you heard that? I bet God just chuckled...

My man is out of town, I don't have the funds for a plumber, & this is not a job that I prefer to handle. I'm still waiting for results & trying desperately to persuade my bladder to be calm. I really would rather not pop a squat in the backyard & educate the young sheltered neighbor boys about female anatomy through the chain link fence. So, somebody hurry, quick call Mike Holmes or do us a favor & send out a prayer for our toilet. 

The perpatrator.

Letting the sleeping dogs lie...

Here's why the dogs do NOT sleep in bed with us.

THE MOMMA:

THE DADDY:

I think that explains it.

As if you didn't know this post was coming...

Kim Kardashian is pregnant. 

Entertainment media has gone insane with: Kim K takes her fetus to the gym, Kim K's maternity style, Kim K-will she be a good mother? 

I couldn't be pissy-er about it. IT being the fact that I'm still childless, but "kimye" reproduces & the stupidity of our nations fascination with a chick who's famous for nothing but having a big ass. It's annoying .

Mostly though, I'm heartbroken for that innocent baby that will be born into a life of endless publicity & criticism. Will the baby even feel true love from its media whore parents, or will her team of nannies be her source of  all things parental?

Duh, obviously God has a plan for every single person & that nothing ever really makes sense to a simple person like me but, why does that sweet baby get gifted to those parents? Why is the plan for Chris & I  to be to suffer childlessly? (& her sister Khloe)

As I rant about others having babies, I also weep in joy for my soon to be new niece, for the kindness of a surrogate for Giuliana Rancic, & two of my best friends that are expecting. I'm so happy for them, but my wounded heart won't allow me to enjoy their bellies like I want, my defense is in distance & knowing as few details as possible. The Kardashian pregnancy is being force fed to us all by our media, I have no control over how much I see since its treated as breaking news on tv, facebook, & at the grocery checkout. Please, please, please make a fool of me Kim & Kanye, love that baby more than yourself(which is ALOT) & know how incredibly blessed you are.

February.

Oh my word. This month has been so overwhelming.
We sold our house after the first showing(hallelujaurrr)but, doing so required me to pack, move, & close in 3 weeks-it was crazy. We were walking out of the house as the new owner was walking in, there was not a moment to spare.
We have found a fantastic house in FtW, unfortunately it is in probate & will take awhile to close, so in the meantime I am staying with my parents, our stuff sits in THREE storage units, and having quit my job to pack-I don't have much to do. Finally. I can do things like: give the dogs haircuts, request medical records, paint Mom's bedroom furniture. The free time is great, but while we wait for our new house we are on a single income. My job in FtW is sitting, waiting, I'm nervous & edgy.
This week also marks two years since I miscarried & have battled infertility. Two years. I had suddenly realized that I am that girl, the one that can't have babies. Everybody knows one, it's me, 1 in 4. That shit is hard to swallow.

Airstream Song

Have you ever heard a song that speaks to your soul, one that can sing your heart?  Airstream Song by Miranda Lambert is my favorite. I will play it on repeat over and over again because, it moves me, it knows me better than any person ever has, it makes me feel and breathe. I have never known two and a half minutes to be so cleansing and reassuring, what's your best song?

Listen to Miranda sing Airstream Song here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShgRbLYwreA

 ::I'll always be unsatisfied::

Ten Random Memories

I recently scanned a bunch of old pictures into the computer. I realize that I am not the most photogenic of gals, I am a master of the sleepy/drunk look, whatev-good or bad, they make me laugh. 

Probably the best photo I have ever taken since the age of 3. Talk about making love to the camera! (shout out to Farrah Fawcett)

As my brother recently inquired, who the hell bought that bathing suit, it barely covers my nips.

Evidence that I was a selfless & giving big sister, trashbag rain protection.

Though it may seem to make perfect fashion sense at the time, besties dressing like twins does not help increase your chances of getting a boyfriend.

Inappropriate biting in a youth group van. Seriously.

My goat, Honey. Can you feel the love?

Always think twice about buying leather pants. And, allowing your college roomie to cut your hair in the front yard of your dorm.

The food in Moscow sucks, so eat pizza & pastries instead. Look like a dumb tourist & then come home lookin' like a fatty......

Aubrey, TX. Population: Awesome.

And just to prove that non-photogenic-ness runs in the family, here's a jewel of Bella.

Football, Shopping, and Food.

To bring 2011 to an end Chris and I met up in Ft Worth for a quick weekend. It began with me flying to DFW Airport on Thursday with a $56 ticket, SCORE! We had a quick dinner & went promptly to sleep at our hotel-like the boring ol' fogies that we are. On Friday, we attended the Armed Forces Bowl featuring Tulsa University VS. BYU at the beautiful SMU campus in Dallas. It was the perfect day for football.

Afterwards we went to Northpark Mall for some big city shopping, trust me-this is a BIG deal when you are stuck with a small town mall back home. Anthropologie, my mothership, beckoned me in right away.
http://www.anthropologie.com

After a long day of much walking I wanted a simple, light dinner. My choice was Central Market and boy, did it hit the spot.

Yum-o!

Convieniently, World Market is located doors away from Central Market, I found two things that I cannot live without.          
http://www.worldmarket.com

Sadly, they remain in the store, and not here with me. Sob.... Please don't feel uncomfortable by my weeping.

Anyways, on Saturday morning we did some other stuff that I'll talk about later, and then drove home to my puppies. I had a crazy terrible migrane, so I hopped into the tub as soon as we parked the truck.  My master bath has been out of operation for the last 9 months, finally being able to take a bath was so, so good.

New Year's eve ended with a Harry Potter movie & going to sleep before midnight. I hope that the end of 2011 was just as satisfying for you. Happy 2012 y'all!