Helmet Head

Today Brit was fitted with his new DOC Band from Cranial Tecnologies. (http://www.cranialtech.com)

You know me well & will not be the least bit surprised to know that I cried when I first saw it, even as a pediatric nurse it has somewhat difficult for me to work through the idea of a medical device for my son yet, I realize that we are incredibly lucky that his diagnosis is so easily correctable. 

While we were waiting for our fitting, a mom at the clinic graciously gave us wonderful advice based on her son's short time with his band. Thankfully the entire DOC Band experience has been encouraging once the finances for the band were "figured out".

https://www.gofundme.com/brits-doc-band

As the band was fitted today Brit stuck his finger in his ear trying to decide what he thought about the whole thing & then immediately carried on with the toys he had been playing with. He didn't care one bit about wearing the band. Afterwards, since he was rockin' the band without any difficulty, we made a quick run to the grocery store & I got my first taste of stares & comments, I am fiercly protective over this sweet little boy, the gawking is so sad-it's only a helmet!

Brit will likely wear his band for 4 months, we will have biweekly appointments to monitor his progress & shave out the interior of the band to encourage changes in the skull growth pattern.

We have been so humbled & blessed the the generosity of our wonderful family, friends, & a few strangers too. Thank you is not enough to describe our gratitude with the money donated to purchase Brit's DOC Band, in TWO days you surpassed our goal, I wish there was a video of our reactions to the immediate response to our request for help. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for providing for my boy. 

These Boobies Save Lives

We have faced several challenges as new parents but one we have not had is any long term issues with my milk supply. I am passionate about breast feeding & have always had high hopes in successfully feeding my children in this manner. My goal is to provide Brit with breast milk until he's at least 9 months but preferably his entire first year. But since Brit started school he has become accustomed to the bottle & now prefers it to the breast, around that time we had a 100 minute messin' around breastfeeding session. He was just using that time for comfort & snuggling with his mama, which we both need but c'mon-mama ain't got time for that!

I hated making the decision but it was clear that pumping exclusively was the best choice for us at this time. I truly miss the bond that is created as you nurse your baby from your breast, it is totally different from bottle feeding, yet, we are so lucky to have the option & ability to continue providing breast milk. I pump every 4 hours & average about 8-10 ounces each session, except for my first pump of the day which is about 20 ounces. Brit typically eats a 6 ounce bottle every 3 hours & since I've been pumping from the start, I've built up a huge supply in the freezer.

Recently, I was made aware that there is a location in Fort Worth to donate breast milk for NICU babies in Texas & surrounding states called Mothers Milk Bank http://www.texasmilkbank.org/. I was immediately drawn to make a donation since Brit himself received donor breastmilk after birth, while I was too sick to nurse him. I felt like it was a major contribution I could easily make to help save a few babies lives. I was able to donate 150 ounces, which didn't even make a dent in our supply at home. Unfortunately I am only a one time donor due to new medication I have been taking, I encourage any new mama to consider donating, it is so easy: fill out a few forms, have some quick labwork drawn, & drop off or ship your milk, wah-lah: lives saved & you are forever blessed by your contribution! If you are interested but don't live in this area, holler at me & I'd be glad to bring milk back with me after a visit home to see family & drop it off for you.
Our freezer is shoved full of frozen milk & is acting wonky so, we have huge new freezer being delivered this week. At the rate I'm pumping it's likely that I may only have to pump another month & a half until I have enough frozen to get Brit through the next 6 months!

Watch The Baby Grow: Months 1-5

During month one mama got the board done but never a picture of the baby with it, she was beyond tired & a photo was the last thing on her mind.

At 6 weeks I finally moved to the co-sleeper & didn't spend the night in my mama's arms, mom was happy about that!

During month three I smiled, became alot more interactive, & started sleeping thru the night.  

At 12 weeks I  spent my nights sleeping in the bassinet, stopped breastfeeding & only took my breastmilk from a bottle. I laughed alot, learned to stomp, & rolled from my tummy for the first time.

At 5 months I like everyone, I try to sit up, I'm a drooling fool, & observe everything intensly.

Working Mama Blues

My dream as a little girl was to grow up & become a mother, specifically a stay at home mom. By the grace of God I finally have the baby I have always ached for & my gratitude for my son could never be adequately expressed in words. I recently returned to work since we can't make it by without my financial contribution due to our selfish & foolish spending habits in the past.

Everyday I send my son to be held, fed, & nurtured by someone else & I have never been more disappointed in myself & am genuinely angry that I didn't figure out long ago how to avoid this. (but I must say that if he must go to school, his facility has been fantastic) 

My already high-level emotions are on hyper drive, there is a lot of crying on a daily basis. As I kiss Brit goodbye I cry, I usually tear up at work several times a day, & when I walk in the door at night I practically sob upon taking Brit into my arms.

My job doesn't allow me to escape from the thought of my baby since I'm a pediatric nurse. My heart & soul ache for both day & night with him, mere hours in the evening are not nearly enough. I'm jealous of the time that his teachers get with him & that they get to watch him evolve into a sweet & happy boy. By the time I get home he is exhausted, fussy, or sleeping-all I do is hold him, there's little time for playing, reading, etc. Dinner, bills, baths, & life require attention too. Our weekends are a mad rush to accomplish everything it takes to run a household & at the same time trying to make every moment with my boy count. Since he has begun school & taking is a bottle all day, breastfeeding & my supply have taken a hit, I wanted to refuse to exclusively pump & bottle feed-but it became unavoidable this week. He has become so used to the bottle that he doesn't efficently or effectively eat at the breast. While I am still the one providing his nourishment my heart breaks at the loss of the experience with him-there is such beauty in the relationship between yourself & your child through breastfeeding. I cannot begin to understand how so many mothers trade it willingly for a bottle.

I feel stretched so thin & I know I'm battling the dark grip of depression again. The fight of getting Brit here was finally won, but the loss of raising him the way I have always dreamed of has been a massive blow. Repeatedly analyzing our situation doesn't help, I just keep thinking I could figure out a way to stay home with my boy & I don't know how to stop. I'm trying to cope & move on, this is the not only breaking my heart but it's also the loss of a life long dream, which is terribly hard to give up. Yes, there are worse things in life, but this was/is deeply important to me. I knew before he came that I was at an elevated risk for PPD due to multiple factors, forgetting the negative & embracing the positive hasn't been a solution, it's a band-aid fix. I want to be heard & even if what I say is stained & dirty-to be listened to & truly supported-not shushed with shallow responses. Depression is ugly, a glass half full approach isn't the cure. I feel hopless, alone, & angry that I can't just simply enjoy this time in my life after  the raging war to get here.
And just so that you know, there are many other factors that contribute, but don't need to be detailed & discussed here, I've shown enough ugly for now. These words are honest & from my heart & may not be embraced by each person that reads them but they are my reality & I ask for you to be kind in your thoughts & responses.

The Kid Just Wants to Eat, is That too Much to Ask?

While we were in the hospital recovering from Brit's big arrival my doula came for a visit. She gave some amazing encouragement & calmed me in my drugged state, then she held Brit & gave him a thorough once over & announced that he had a severe lip & tongue tie. 

As I began breastfeeding I experienced toe-curling pain & had to use a nipple shield for an effective latch, Brit was also a lazy eater & would tire easily. We mentioned all of this plus the doula's lip & tongue tie suspicions to the hospital pediatrician, she checked Brit's mouth quickly & denied any issues & stated that the feeding difficulties were due to his prematurity.
We went home & nursing continued to be a nightmare, I constantly cried out of pain, frustration, & fatigue. The only positive was that my milk supply was plentiful, but we didn't know what else to do so I began exclusively pumping & then bottle feeding the expressed milk, it seemed to work moderately well for the baby, but my goal was to simply breastfeed. My sister-in-law was a fantastic encourager & resource as my personal lactation consultant, I called her constantly with each day's frustrations.
  On the day that my mom left & Chris returned to work our doula came over for a visit, she again checked Brit's mouth & was adamant that her previous diagnosis was correct & that he had a severe case. She recommended a couple of doctors to treat the ties, I called Dr.Cole & we were booked for the following day.
Dr.Cole performed a quick exam, confirming a lip & tongue tie & stated the tongue was about 80% tied-no wonder nursing was a nightmare. He then performed the frenectomy with a laser, Brit was upset mostly by being restrained by Chris & having lights in his eyes. Otherwise, he tolerated the procedure well as I stood crying in the corner, no mama should watch her 10 day old baby experience a surgical procedure.
We were given medication & exercises to help him heal properly, then were escorted to the nursing lounge where I nursed my son for the first time without excruciating pain. We loved seeing him finally be able to stick out his cute little tongue.
In the time since the frenectomy Brit has been breastfed exclusively. We still have to use the nipple shield & nursing has been far from easy: he only nurses off of one side, he doesn't drain the breast completely, has a hard time with the initial latch, he thinks the breast is where he should pass out, & I constantly fight engorgement. Soon I will have to return to work, Brit will have to take breast milk from a bottle while at school & only breastfeed at night. I wish we were old pro's at breastfeeding before he & I have to spend the day apart, I don't want the daily separation to hinder our progress.
We went for a weight check this week & our boy has grown to be 7lbs at 6 weeks of age. His doctor isn't thrilled with his weight at this time, wants him to have gained more. She verified that he has a good latch but it's just one more worry that we have.
Thankfully, Brit seems to enjoy nursing despite all the work it takes, he screams & growls until he latches & then quickly becomes deeply relaxed. I think he & I both prefer to breastfeed, as evidence by this sweet smirky smile: