bday

Today is my 31st birthday.

I woke up with a nice zit.

The End.

Autopilot

There have been a few days have nearly destroyed me, I really wonder how I've made it through them.

The worst day was the one of the ultrasound appointment that confirmed our fears. We were waiting in the exam room to discuss everything with the doctor, the walls were paper thin. I heard him enter the room next to us & converse with his patient about her progressing pregnancy, then I heard the loud, strong heartbeat of her baby on the dopplar. I jammed my fingers in my ears to drown out the sound, but I could still hear it over my own sobs. My sweet husband draped his body over mine & held me as I lay on the exam table in the fetal position while all my pain spewed out. 

Less than one week later, my only coworker blurted out, "Aubrey, I'm pregnant". She commented on & inquired about her new pregnancy all day. I felt like I was bleeding out emotionally. She fretted about telling our boss, but he had to know since it would immediately affect her abilities to perform certain tasks. I approached him with her news for her, to be able to stop discussing it. He replied, "what about you?" with a cold tone, not caring about anything other than having someone be able to take his xrays for him. A week before I'd already told him I was pregnant & then a few days later that I might be micarrying, not once did he ever ask if I was okay, just "what about YOU?" to ensure that he wouldn't have to do the task himself.  There have been several other insensitive comments that he's made, he was supposed to be a dear friend to my husband. 

Sadly, it has taken me nearly two years to be able to see a baby or a pregnant woman without a surge of pain bubbling up, I hate that I'm close to being back to that point again. Thankfully though, this miscarriage has been both physically & emotionally eaisier on me than the last. It still hurts my heart just as much, but I feel more prepared for the pain than the last time.

But, everyday includes moments that make me think of my two little babies that I'll never know & my heart breaks a little more. I hope more than anything that my father Bo has one in each arm & shows them the love that wish I could.

Two Pink Lines

Two pink lines.

Surprised, cry, hyperventilate, quickly beg "dear God, let me keep this one".

Buy stuffed bunny & My Dad Loves Me book. 

Happy.

Daydream & plan our future together as a family of three.

Labwork. Phone call from Dr. Z, low progesterone, draw more blood.  

Phone call, further decreased progesterone.

Terrified.

Cramping, bleeding, back pain, tissue & blood clots.

Sonogram, "no longer any evidence of a viable pregnancy".

Numb.

Broken.

Again.