I feel absent from my own life lately.
While there are some great things going on, I feel as if I'm surrounded by dark shadows.
I mean this not in my "normal" emotional, pessimistic way but, deeper. Darker. Some of it may be related to winter seasonal depression or junk I shall not talk about but, I know that the majority of it lays within our struggle to have a baby. December marks THREE years of infertility & miscarriage, December 31will be the day that I should have been giving birth to our second firstborn. Mourning babies lost has been a difficult experience, the moments of grief are unfulfilling, fleeting, & inconsistent. I want a gut wrenching sobfest to spew out at least some of the pain. Instead it sneaks up on me at the grocery store in the checkout line, during a toast to the newlyweds, as I perform my job duties, & of course, the stupid baby commercials on tv.
I think of my babies every single day but, I want to accomplish some sort of recovery from their loss & the ongoing inability to get/stay pregnant. I want to be able to dig my way out & carry on. But our options of "carrying on" such as IVF, adoption, & surrogacy all come with a high monetary price, & where will that money ever come from? Insurance only covers oral or injectible fertility medication, anything beyond that is our problem. We have hit a brick wall & I'm consumed by it, hence, I'm absent from the rest of my life. Knowing that we are meant to be parents but not having a sweet baby to love is like that itching feeling that you've forgotten something that makes it hard to focus on anything else & it'll drive you crazy until you finally figure it out. I am wholly consumed & in love with babies that I haven't met, I'm just not me without them.
Some of you may read this & think that we just need to move on, it's not meant to be, or that your "words of wisdom" will help us to to get over it. If this is you: please stop reading, go away, & never state your opinion to me. You haven't walked in these shoes. You'll hopefully never know the feeling of failure to give the man that you love a child that he also so desperately wants, the anger towards your own body, bitterness towards society for treating infertility like a dark secret, or fear that no one will pick you from others just like you to raise her baby. Instead, you can pray for this: fertility & strong uterus that bears a healthy baby, or a birth mother who desires that Chris & I give her baby a life in our arms & hearts.
I think of my babies every single day but, I want to accomplish some sort of recovery from their loss & the ongoing inability to get/stay pregnant. I want to be able to dig my way out & carry on. But our options of "carrying on" such as IVF, adoption, & surrogacy all come with a high monetary price, & where will that money ever come from? Insurance only covers oral or injectible fertility medication, anything beyond that is our problem. We have hit a brick wall & I'm consumed by it, hence, I'm absent from the rest of my life. Knowing that we are meant to be parents but not having a sweet baby to love is like that itching feeling that you've forgotten something that makes it hard to focus on anything else & it'll drive you crazy until you finally figure it out. I am wholly consumed & in love with babies that I haven't met, I'm just not me without them.
Some of you may read this & think that we just need to move on, it's not meant to be, or that your "words of wisdom" will help us to to get over it. If this is you: please stop reading, go away, & never state your opinion to me. You haven't walked in these shoes. You'll hopefully never know the feeling of failure to give the man that you love a child that he also so desperately wants, the anger towards your own body, bitterness towards society for treating infertility like a dark secret, or fear that no one will pick you from others just like you to raise her baby. Instead, you can pray for this: fertility & strong uterus that bears a healthy baby, or a birth mother who desires that Chris & I give her baby a life in our arms & hearts.
