Watch The Bump Grow: Weeks 29-36 Final Installment

36 Weeks & Barely Hanging On

We got some frigid weather here in Fort Worth last night & ended up being without power for about 15 hours. The house temp got all the way down to 54 degrees today, I've never mentioned that I'm stuck at home on strict bedrest, have I? (eye roll) All day I was huddled under a stack of blankets with a good book & my doggies were covered little lumps nearby. Actually doesn't sound too bad, does it? It wasn't, my teeth only chattered when I had potty breaks.

This past weekend I had quite a few contractions that had me in pain & out of breath after a major bleeding episode a few days prior to that. We saw my doctor today for my 36 week appointment, my Sono shows that my cervix is nearly completely effaced at this time, my blood pressure is still stupid high, the protein levels in my urine are slowly creeping up, my blood work is showing subtle changes, & I could go into labor at any moment. My doctor is about to leave town 5 days, his only vacation of the year.

Gah!

We have a c-section scheduled for December 5 & I want so badly to make it to that date. I realize that you can't plan or control this stuff or anything for the rest of my life as a parent BUT: I really have high hopes to make it til' then because: I love the date #5, the grandmothers are planning their trips here & hotels, & Chris has a weekend of major construction planned to complete our floors & Sheetrock throughout the house. Obviously after this pregnancy, with all it's difficult twists & turns, I want the comfort of MY doctor taking this boy from my body, not the on-call stranger OB. Dr.Z has taken such good care of us throughout the ups & downs that it's important for him there for the grand finale with us. 

Yes, there's been a lot of stress & disappointment that has come with this experience, but none of that will ever outweigh the fact that in the next week & a half at the latest we will finally get to wrap OUR baby up in OUR arms & leave behind so much of the pain of infertlity & high-risk pregnancy. How freakin' lucky, blessed, & thrilled are we!?! 

While I've struggled to absorb this experience & not just feel as if I'm in a dream, I'm so excited & eager to meet this boy, find out everything there is about him, & see the man he becomes. 

Chris & I have greatly appreciated the love & support shown to us as we have struggled, the generosity shown to us has been humbling.

I ask for one more thing though, prayers of blessing over Brit on the day of his birth & a prayer of thanksgiving for his precious life.

Maternity Ward Frequent Flyer

I was admitted into the the hospital again. sigh.

Earlier this week my blood pressure was running around 160/120 when all I was doing was sitting on my booty on the floor. I moved to the bed, laid on my left side, & managed to work it back down to borderline acceptable with only a mild headache. The following morning I had my regular weekly appointment with my OB & boy did I get fussed at for not hauling myself to the hospital the day before. 

Dr.Z checked me & said my cervix was beginning to open. I also had lab work, a biophysical profile, & a fetal non stress test-all a normal part of my visit with my condition. My blood pressure in the office was still running too high so I was sent over to the hospital for observation & of course it calmed down to a beautiful 117/77 (making me look like a hypertension faker), where it hasn't been for nearly a month. We were discharged, walked to the car, I sat down in my seat & immediately felt a gush of blood.

We turned around & went back to maternal observation, thankfully we had been gone for such a short amount of time that my chart hadn't even been closed out & we were able to pick up where we had left off. My BP was back up & now I had a date with the Perinatologist.

The perinatologist was awesome & so thorough. She discovered that my cervix was dilated one cm at the top & is full of blood. She also revealed that my placenta had previously only traveled up enough to sit on the cusp of the cervix & as the cervix begins to dilate the placenta is slipping into the opening, causing bleeding & Brit's head is resting directly on top of the cervix. 

The result of all this is a scheduled c-section to take place in the next 2-3 weeks, a far cry from my long time plan of a a natural vaginal delivery using Hypnobabies. I feel like I'm in some sort of a state of grief for not getting the delivery that I have wanted for so long.
Having a c-section means that we no longer have control over labor & delivery, we won't get to assist in pulling Brit from my body, bonding may be delayed, breastfeeding may be more difficult, I will now have drugs coursing through my body, & the recovery from major abdominal surgery will take much longer than a natural delivery. In short, I'm scared & sad to lose the birth experience that I want but know that the only important thing is that I'll be holding a baby in my arms, I'm sure we won't care how he arrives once he's here.
After being admitted my in laws came to town & kept me occupied. I stayed overnight for observation, IV fluids, labs, & a 24 hour urine collection. My BP remained borderline but acceptable & the protein in my urine was within normal limits so I was discharged to come home for continued bed rest. My mother in law has filled my belly with delicious food & I've been able to snuggle my puppies, we are grateful for the help so that Chris has not had to bear the role of caregiver alone after a difficult pregnancy.
I have a doctor appointment on Monday where we schedule the c-section, probably during the first week of December. After 4 long years of waiting, I cannot believe that meeting my son is just around the corner...

The Dramatic Saga of my Dysfunctional Pregnant Uterus

The last two weeks have been stressful, eventful, & we very nearly met our sweet boy way too soon at 28 weeks. Thankfully things turned out far differently than they could have.

I was at work on a Tuesday evening 2 weeks ago trying to finish up, I had spent the day working triage on the phones, in my chair basically all day but had felt Braxton-Hicks sporadically. It was the easiest workday I've had since I started this new job. 

As I finished phoning in a prescription for a patient I suddenly felt a warm gush, I ran to the bathroom & found quite a bit of blood. I yelled at the doctor what was happening, grabbed my bag, & ran to my car. I called Chris & we frantically drove home to meet to make the trip to the hospital together. I changed my clothes & met Chris at the door when I heard his tires screech to a halt in front of the house. I hopped in the truck unprepared for what was coming & even though the drive took place during rush hour, we made it to the hospital so much faster than we could have hoped.

We walked up to Maternal Observation, announced why we were there, & were immediately transferred to Labor & Delivery. I changed, got into bed, was hooked up to a fetal monitor, given an IV, labs were drawn, and things got rolling. The monitor revealed that what I thought were Braxton-Hicks were actually legit contractions that were occuring between 6-10 minutes apart without regularity, I could feel every single one but was not in pain, I still thought that they should have been Braxton-Hicks but oh, was I wrong!

I was observed for several hours until I finally went for an ultrasound & consult with the High Risk Perinatoligist. Dr.T informed us that Brit was breech, the placenta was presenting as Marginal Placenta Previa, but most importantly that I was in Pre-term labor, he said that we were facing trying to stop labor using Magnesium. Once we got back to my room I had to ask Chris to tell me again what had just happened, I couldn't process any thing after hearing the words pre-term labor. I was immediately given an injection of betamethasone in my hip which is a steroid that stimulates the production of surfactant in the baby's lungs to help prevent respiratory distress in premature infants. Throughout this all Brit was an ornery guy, he was not enjoying the contractions & told us about it by jumping, kicking, & climbing all over the place. He was the most active I've ever felt but with a great heart rate.

My nurse was candid with us when asked what all this meant. She told us that we were possibly facing delivering our baby much sooner than expected, he would be delivered via c-section due to breech presentation, & would be be immediately taken to the NICU. She said that we would get to see him as he was whisked away, I'd go to recovery, get started on a breast pump to try to stimulate my milk production, & once I could get up-go see my son. We were both numb, this was not our plan. As a few hours passed things seemed to settle down slightly, I sent Chris home to take care of the dogs & get some sleep in case the following day was to be what was being predicted.

Around 12:30 am I began having contractions every 5 minutes, the nurse monitored me closely, put me on my left side again, & was on the verge of calling the doctor to start the magnesium. I didn't quite realize what was happen because I was so exhausted, somehow I fell asleep in the chaos. I woke up 3 hours later. As I slept my contractions had stopped completely & Brit had settled down. No intervention had been necessary. The only reason we had gone from panic to absolute calmness was that God was in control, He gave us a swift 180 degree change without any medical intervention.

It was a whole new day, I finally got to eat & drink, I was visited by the doctors who saw no reason in keeping me in L&D. Soon I was transferred to the Ante-partum unit for observation & bed-rest with bathroom privileges. I stayed in Ante-Partum for two days without any uterine-drama, they gave me my second shot of betamethasone & sent me home for more bedrest. I followed up with my doctor a few days later, had another ultrasound, & got fantastic news that the placenta previa had resolved & Brit was now turned head down. My doctor reluctantly gave me permission to return to work but only light duties with frequent breaks.

Fast foward two weeks, all has gone well at work & home, we had even started the first of six of our childbirth classes. My boss would only allow me to work the phones, I stayed off my feet would elevate them frequently.
At the begining of Tuesday morning I had a headache, then as I took a phone call I was hardly able to read the patient chart-I had bright spots clouding my vision, I asked my coworker to check my blood pressure-it was high. We rechecked a bit later, still high. As the morning progressed my headache improved slightly, as did my vision. I performed a urine dip on my urine & found no traces of protien, I notified my OB office & was told to monitor further & head to L&D if necessary. After lunch my coworker came to check my blood pressure once more & it was even higher, so I sat & tried to relax. I finally got up to send a fax in the front office & as I was standing there I had the sudden sensation that I had just peed on myself. I tried to get a look at my backside & the other nurse said with alarm 'oh honey, you're bleeding"! Blood was everywhere, all the way past my knees. The nurses were freaked out, trying to shove my things at me to leave, but I stood there & tried to update them on what items I was working on so that they could finish it up. I grabbed my stuff, called Chris, & drove home. We repeated our trip to the hospital with my mama praying form work with her close friend for protection over my womb & son. Once in Maternal Observation I was put on the fetal monitor, labs were drawn, went for a sono & consult with the high risk perinatologist, & made to rest on my side for a couple of hours. Since I was in no pain I felt dumb for even being there, my nurse hushed me up telling me sternly that I was exactly where I needed to be & Chris confirmed that I was being way too casual about the situation. Surprisingly no one was able to find where the issue lay or the source of bleeding, so I was sent home on bedrest, again.
I have followed up with my doctor, it's difficult not knowing why I continue to have issues, I will see him once a week for biophysical profiles, non-stress tests, & an exam to very closely monitor the remainder of my pregnancy.
I am now categorized as full blown High Risk, I am not expected to make it to my due date, I have been placed on moderate bedrest with permission to run an errand & get back to my couch or bed quickly, we are required to be within 30 minutesof the hospital at all times, & of course: I'm not allowed to return to work. We are so grateful that Brit is still hanging out in my belly but can't help but to feel stressed by the situation. It's another chapter in my "this happens to someone else, not me".
We were not prepared to suddenly lose my paycheck, I know it will work out somehow. I notified my job today that I won't be returning for several months, I felt so guilty although I have no control over the circumstances, I hate to leave them hanging. Since it is a private practice & I have only been just over 60 days I don't qualify for FMLA or short term disability, this is even more frustrating since I could have had all of this from my last job that I had to leave only because my patient began attending school & the district won't allow a nurse to attend with their patient.
Overall, the news is good, I still have my baby boy exactly where he needs to be...

Third Trimester AKA: I Can't See my Toes Anymore.

* I wrote this post 2 weeks ago & never finished it prior to pre-term labor drama*

Geeze, this is going by way too fast, we are already in the third trimester!

I thoroughly enjoyed the second trimester & am a bit sad to see it go, the 3rd is where everything becomes a bit tougher physically. I love having Brit with me everywhere I go & while I can't wait to meet him-I'm nowhere ready to share him with this great big world.

Here's the latest news:

His name in case you haven't heard, is offcially Britton Wade, he's being called Brit, with ONE T.

I've never felt more beautiful in my life, I love what this baby looks like on the front of my body, we belong together-this belly & I. 

Weight gain is 10 pounds at 27 weeks.

I'm BARELY hanging on to my innie belly button, it's more of a flat-ey with a slit these days. Chris likes to tease me about an outie being in my near future, I don't like outies.

I still have a low-lying placenta by 2 little milimeters. It will travel upward those 2 mm's or else I'm going to be throwing a fit. An ugly one. My doula has started me on increased hydration, raising the foot of our bed, & daily visualization of the placenta moving upward.

We are signed up to start hypnobabies childbirth classess in October. I will be having a drug free, peacful childbirth complete with a vaginal delivery (take that rebellious placenta!) If I'm not a granola lovin', tree hugging hippie by the time they are over I don't know what could ever sway me over to that side. I don't care if you think it's kooky, I care that it works. 

Chris has informed our doctor that he will be helping catch Brit as he is born. Dr.Z didn't seem to be too thrilled but is agreeing to it as long as everything is going well. 

Brit is about 2 pounds & 14 inches long & moves like he's at a disco up in there. Or swimming the butterfly stroke.

I curse the nighttime leg cramps & round ligament pain. Assholes.

Chris loves on his boy every night, they talk to each other, & Daddy pesters his boy to get a reaction, the poor kid doesn't even get to cook completely before it begins. 

Chris has painted the nursery & put together the crib, while I'm dragging my feet to sew up sweet little baby things to complete the decor, the last thing I want to do after work is hover over my sewing machine. 

I cannot believe how hard it is to bend over, walk(ok, waddle) quickly, shave, or get around as easily as what "normal" used to be. Painting my own toes is something I can no longer do myself, Chris has said that he'll help out but I've yet to see him with nail polish in hand. 

 We have registered for baby gifts, lots of small necessities, diapers, & then a ridiculously expensive car seat that we REALLY want. Brit can stay in it from 5 lbs to 100 lbs if necessary, so really it's a good choice economically. Have I sold you on it?

My husband has softened up more, he has been so nuturing, helpful, & thoughtful. This little baby has strenghtend & increased our love for each other, it's incredible. 

Watch the Bump Grow: Weeks 20-26

Wooaaahh! We're halfway there. Wooaaahh, livin' on a prayer.

Well, my little sweet potato (that's what I like to call him) has been hanging out with me for  20 weeks now. What a massive landmark, I thought I'd never be here-we are so blessed!

We found out at 12 weeks that we would be having a son but, as we told our family his gender we received so many expressions of skepticism. Thank goodness our talented sonographer confirmed this week that there is indeed a little boy in there, I told y'all so!

At the ultrasound I was informed that I have a low-lying placenta. At this point in the pregnancy it is not a big deal, there is still time for it to shift. I am scheduled for another ultrasound in a month to recheck the placenta's position, plans will be made from there if it has not shifted. I pray that it moves because a c-section does not fit in with my plans of a natural & drug free delivery.

During week 18 while at work, I felt a tiny flutter. I spent far too long trying to determine wether it was gas or the baby for it to be a moment of surprise. After a few days the flutters became more obvious that they were indeed baby: slightly stronger & more frequent, by the time 19 weeks rolled around his Daddy was able to feel it too. It was incredibly emotional to watch my husband connect with his son for the first time, he sat motionless, his hands covering my belly, wearing an ear to ear grin on his face, & giving a chuckle each time he felt a wiggle.  Once the baby settled back in, Chris shook my belly around to get a reaction, nothing happened- my boy must take after his mama's famous move of going limp if daddy tries to wrestle her. 

I feel pretty good other than constant heartburn & headaches, the sensation of a rod shoved down my esophagus to diaphragm, & recently have had a lot of mild discomfort from stretching ligaments. I go to bed very early & lay down to rest on the weekends since this baby business is very tiring! I have developed eczema for the first time in my life due to the hormones, I have a frequent/desperate but small appetite, & as of two weeks ago I had only gained 3 pounds during the pregnancy- I'm sure it will catch up very soon. As an already emotional girl, pregnancy has exacerbated my emotions. Everything makes me cry: happy, sad, excited. Kidd Kraddick passed away, my brother-in-law 
returned from Afghanistan, a commercial with a newborn: all provoked a sob fest.

I have been purging the house of unnecessary clutter & forcing my husband to reorganize & wrap up long standing projects. I am looking for an inspiration piece for the nursery, throwing paint samples on the wall, & pinning away ideas for the nursery. A baby shower is in the works for the fall & I'm struggling to keep my hands out of the planning. His name has been chosen & several major decisions are being made, life in general is busier than ever before & couldn't be better. Here's to the next 20 weeks.

It's a....

Watch The Bump Grow: Weeks 13-17

How We Made a Baby

***Not a TMI situation, I promise!***
As you know, after 3+ years of trying to conceive & have a successful pregnancy we were at our limit. Physically, my body couldn't handle the treatments & drugs any longer. Financially, we couldn't provide for more invasive treatments or fund an adoption. I was heartbroken because it meant I would live my life childless when I felt my purpose in life was to be a mother. 

So here we were in mid-March, I began taking my last ever dose of Clomid & tracking any signs of ovulation, once I had a positive result I made our final appointment with our fertility doctor. On April Fools, Chris went to the clinic an hour before I did, he did his portion of the appointment & returned to work. After I arrived alone I was put in an exam room & proceeded to have a meltdown once the doctor came in, Dr.K immediately brought me back down off the ledge. He reassured me that even though this was our last chance & attempt at a child via medical intervention, he KNEW that this was going to work & that I would walk out of that clinic pregnant. He did a quick ultrasound & saw plenty of eggs in my ovaries, then the performed my final IUI. As he walked out the door he gave me a hard core high five & encouraged me to relax as he was certain that I was pregnant. I laid on the exam table for 10 minutes to allow everything to settle & toward the ceiling I begged God that this would be the baby that made it into our arms. 

For the next two weeks I tried not to think of anything related to pregnancy, babies, or starting a period. I began having terrible back pain that wasn't normal for me but, I just knew I was going to start, still I decided to take a pregnancy test just in case. I'd barely finished the test & could already see two pink lines! I ran to Chris on the back porch & yelled at him to get off his phone. I stood out there in my panties, ugly crying, shaking, & freaking out as I told the man that I love that he would finally get to be a daddy. We both immediately had a sense that this time the baby was ours to keep. 

And that is how we conceived our sweet little babe with my husband miles away from me. All it took was 3 years of practice for Chris & myself, with Dr.Z, Dr.K, & Jesus' sweet mercy to create this baby, a miracle, oh what a miracle!

The view at the fertility clinic. Sexy!

Watch the belly grow! Weeks 5-12.

1. I had nowhere to put a baby belly so it protruded immediately.

2. I forgot to take pics & draw the chalk board a few times-whoops. 

3. Every single picture shows exactly how tired I was, focus on that cute belly!

Finding Out & The First Trimester

I was just about to the point of embracing that we may never be able to have children that now that I am pregnant, (WOW) I am amazed at this foreign to me concept. It's almost like no one has ever been pregnant in history until now, absorbing the thought & symptoms of a pregnancy is so completely diffrent than just knowing some facts as a woman &/or nurse. So, get ready to hear every.single.detail of this pregnancy for the next six months, & forgive me if I make you want to gag on a spoon (ha! story of my life!) from preggo overload, I'm just so stinking overjoyed!!!

Finding out we were going to have a baby went like this:
I had unusual back pain that was sent to me straight from hell, near the time I was due for a period. I was so uncomfortable that I knew there would be no baby, instead I was sure that my uterus would throw a ginormous hissy fit. After a few days I began to get impatient to just get it over with but, my heart still had a tiny glimmer of desperate hope. We had tried to have a baby for so long & I had taken so many negative pregnancy tests, that I felt that I had no right to think there might still be a chance for us. I finally decided just to take the damn test to make my brain shut-up, the back & forth of baby or period?? was so emotionally exhausting. I didn't have the guts to take the test until nine o' clock that night, I planned to pee on the stick & walk away, instead, I took the test & glanced at the result window as I set the it on the counter. It had been mere seconds & all I could see were two pink lines. My breath was knocked out of my chest. I panicked in amazement & disbelief. I ran across the house, test in hand, half clothed & crazy looking-screaming at my husband to get off his phone. If you know & love the man, you know he's a smartass, he glanced at me with his eyebrows cocked, looked me up & down in my deranged state, & said "why, are you pregnant"? I ugly cried as I confirmed the news, we congragulated each other, he went back to his phone & I began chanting: ohmygod,ohmygod, ohmygod. Sometimes I wish our reactions were a bit more storybook but we have been through alot already & we reacted with our true personalities, as each week has passed & we have felt more confident that this is the baby we get to hold, we become more & more animated in our excitement.

 To sum up the first trimester: how does any woman survive this 3 month hell?! There has been: BOOBS! BOOBS! BOOBS!, nausea, cramping, back pain, nosebleeds, bad taste in mouth, constant heartburn, headaches, extreme fatigue, crazy dreams, gagging, bloating, burping, farting, constipation, elevated emotions, no appetite, raging appetite, aversion to all sources of nourishment & hydration-including water, aching feet, & a baby bump sooner than you've ever seen on anyone else. One plus: I never actually threw up-hallelujah! My doctor has categorized me as high risk for now but believes that I'll have a boring pregnancy after the first trimester, but for now, I'm not allowed to stress out about anything, it's been so nice to have no drama for this mama! (I think I'll make it into a habit)

Despite this list of complaints, I'm radiating joy & excitement. This kid is so worth the crapload of misery that has & will be inflicted upon my body!

Conceiving successfully has not healed of the pain of my infertility, it is still hard in so may ways. I also ache for those that continue to wait for babies of their own, I'm still part of your club, I'm scoring a victory for our team, I wish you were too.

An Extrodinary Gift

We are thrilled to announce the greatest gift will arrive just in time for Christmas 2013.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you that have joined us in praying for this sweet little miracle.

I have prayed for this child and The Lord has granted me what I have asked of Him. 1 Samuel 1:27

I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says The Lord. Isaiah 66:9 (NCV)

A Father & a Dad.

My father Bo died when I was two years old. 

It may have happened in 1984 but, it still hurts today. My brother T, was still in the womb when it happened, it was horribly unfair to him. I frequently wonder who I would have be if I'd had Bo in my life longer, it's an unusual struggle.

We were fortunate to be raised by our mother & when she remarried D in 1987, he adopted us. Sometimes I feel a little guilty for missing Bo because it's almost like downplaying the role my Dad has/had. I should probably skip the guilt & instead feel lucky to have two men that were willing to be our father, we have a father(Bo) & a dad(D). And because we have dad, we have a little brother, B. But, my brain makes assumption-would be-comparisons between fathers because my relationship with my Dad has never been perfectly smooth, which, I think it's no ones fault, just that my spirit has always known a different father.

A few years ago I asked my mom why when I was three, did I had name a pet rabbit Pooter? She explained that Bo called me Pooter & that I had been a little daddy's girl. It felt like a punch in the gut since I'd never known I had at one time been a daddy's girl, it was the complete opposite of where I stand in my Dad relationship. With Dad I have always insisted on my independence.

My wedding day was especially tough for me in this respect. I wanted to honor both men, so I had my biological last name hyphonated to my middle name on the invitations, my Dad walked me down the asile, & then the pastor acknowledged that Bo was there in spirit. But I still wished Bo had been sitting there on the front row as I began that new part of my life. 

I got an email today with a picture of Bo & I in 1982 & it stirred up the emotions that prompted this post. I am the spitting image of my father & as my brother T gets older I see more & more of Bo in his eyes, they make some of the same facial expressions too. 

Not knowing Bo as more than a face in pictures-I sometimes feel as though he wasn't real. My little arm resting on his shoulder proves that he was, I actually touched him, that he held me & loved me. Looking at this picture it's hard not to feel cheated that I can't reach out to him now.
 My grandmother spent so much of her time with me telling me about him but, I don't think that she ever recovered from his passing-his life & death were a huge part of her identity. I'm grateful for her commitment to keeping his memory alive but I don't think of him everyday, I have my moments when I look at photos or have a life event.
Like I said: it's an unusual struggle, I have difficulty processing & absorbing being the child of a dead father & a living dad.

Little Eyes

Friday night I was slumped on the couch after an exhausting work week.

I was just about to try to motivate myself to find some sort of housework to tackle when my sweet friend L.A.V.H, sent me this out of the blue:

Link to source

And to think,

when their little eyes opened, 

the first thing they saw was the 

face of Jesus.

The face of Jesus statement affected me so profoundly that I immediately began to cry, not sad tears but, tears of amazement that they missed the pain & trauma of this world & were born directly to eternal life into the arms of Jesus! His face is the first & only sight that those sweet little eyes peeked out at. He is their Father. 

WOW! 

I haven't ever thought of my babies in that sense before-I was mindblown, a friend metioned a long time ago that I had angel babies in heaven but, this was a whole new thought. A thought that is so simple & true that I cannot fathom why it had never occured to me before.

I still want to have those babies here with me right now but, what an amazing alternative.

 I completely believe that I will meet my children someday, that we will be able to communicate with one another, and that they will occupy bodies (or whatever) of the person they were intended to be. We will have a joyous reunion, until then I have an amzing quote to help me through the tough days when I feel incomplete without my sweet little babes.

IQ

First of all, I believe my intelligence is most evident in an artistic sense & that artistic smarts are hard to test with numbers & symbol matching. Secondly, IQ test apps are killer for my ego. I took a test last week on the Ipad (since lately I seem to be into tests but , I do question if they are legit) & I should have used a scratch piece of paper to help me solve but, I thought I'd be a badass & just eyeball it. I ended up with a score just slightly above average. I'm the gal that rarely plays board games because I can't stand to lose & I feel like I failed the stupid test. Then I made the mistake of telling my husband the score, he still loves me just the same but did reveal his genius level IQ score after my confession, jerk. The man could be in Mensa or work for NASA or hold his own up against Einstein. After his revelation, all I want is to be a smartypants damnit, I just want to keep up! I told him he better hope & pray that our unborn children get his intelligence, otherwise dad will be a miserable frustrated mess helping with homework. As much as I wish it would, being good with color & design doesn't help a young kid out in school-I speak from experience. I think I'm going to retake the stupid test until I come out with an even better score, would that count?

Personality

Recently I have become very interested in the psychology of personality types. Not only do I find it interesting but I also want a better understanding of who I really am. After taking a personality quiz based on the writings of C. Jung, I found that I am an ISFJ. As I read the description of an ISFJ I was floored by its accuracy, they should take out ISFJ & just write Aubrey in its place. It was almost like one of Oprah's Aha! moments. For the first time why I say, think, & feel all the things that I do-was so clear.

I feel that I'm here on this earth to take care of others, in some way, shape, or form. I take rules literally & thrive when I know my boundaries. I am trustworthy & often told "no one knows this but you". I remember emotions & expressions explicitly, & accurately judge ones intentions behind them. 

But with these "good" traits there must be a few "bad", I don't say "no" well, I give until I'm sucked dry-I don't know when to stop, I won't confront an issue-instead I will allow it to build, boil,  & instead of erupting I will simply quit the person. Theses are not traits that I enjoy having, if I have quit you it has been a defense mechanism, one that has taken month or years to of quiet pain to take effect. When associating with me you will probably immediately find me to be reliable, consistent, & a touch judgemental-good luck but know that I always expect even more from myself than I will from you. What Jung personality are you, take the test online. You might be surprised what you find out & I'll cross my fingers that you have your own Aha! moment.(they are the best!)

Late night toilet update

The toilet saga continues: It's 11:00 at night & I just had to pee in my backyard. I didn't hear any shrieks of terror from the neighbors, the moonlight must have been dim. The puppies were a bit confused at the sight though, I think "who wants to go potty?" just took on a whole new meaning for the dog-girls. The house reeks of Liquid Plumber & there is sewage in the showers so bathing for work tomorrow isn't an option but, a big shout out to the kitchen sink for draining properly for brushing our teeth & washing our faces. I will be stalking the plumber in the morning, cross your fingers for an easy fix...

A small victory

Today my patients baby cousin came over to visit. He had beautiful rolls of flesh for thighs, a soft fat belly, & 2 sweet dimples on his cheeks that snuck out with each giggle. 

For the first time in three years without a thought or self-psychoanalyzing I walked to a baby with a purpose & scooped him up. We bounced, cooed, laughed, had a bottle, & rocked to sleep. 

As he snuggled into me I felt completely accepted by such a sweet little stranger. I want to believe that in his soul he knew I needed a moment of healing, the purity of him in my arms was beautiful. It wasn't until I had to leave that I realized the hurdle I'd finally crossed, there was no anguish, pain, or  jealousy associated with a baby & I coexisting together in a room. It wasn't me against the baby, finally. 

Toilet

**Warning** this post will give you a mental image of pee & poo, it is intended to be humorous, read it in your best sarcastic Aubrey impression voice.**

Not only is my lady-plumbing(stupid ovaries) backed up, so is our house plumbing. We have had toilet drama since we bought this house. Out of the blue the shower won't drain. Use the sink & the toilet starts to bubble. The toilet fills to the brim when all you do is pee & use 4 squares of tp. The best stuff is when sewage comes up the bathtub. 

We've replaced the toilet with a fancy-expensive-new Kohler smart flush, had the city come inspect their portion of the line, had a plumber out twice, used Root Be Gone once, poured countless bottles of Liquid Plumber down the tub, plunged til' our biceps & abs are rock hard, & as a last ditch effort used a jug of sulfuric acid. That worked for one week .

This morning I tried to flush a Yorkie turd & a water roach that was still twitching & the toilet filled to the brim, all I could do was to sit down & cry.

 Then I prayed for the weirdest thing I've ever prayed for, for God to clear our toilet lines & saying outloud "Satan, I banish you from our plumbing". How many times have you heard that? I bet God just chuckled...

My man is out of town, I don't have the funds for a plumber, & this is not a job that I prefer to handle. I'm still waiting for results & trying desperately to persuade my bladder to be calm. I really would rather not pop a squat in the backyard & educate the young sheltered neighbor boys about female anatomy through the chain link fence. So, somebody hurry, quick call Mike Holmes or do us a favor & send out a prayer for our toilet. 

The perpatrator.

Letting the sleeping dogs lie...

Here's why the dogs do NOT sleep in bed with us.

THE MOMMA:

THE DADDY:

I think that explains it.

As if you didn't know this post was coming...

Kim Kardashian is pregnant. 

Entertainment media has gone insane with: Kim K takes her fetus to the gym, Kim K's maternity style, Kim K-will she be a good mother? 

I couldn't be pissy-er about it. IT being the fact that I'm still childless, but "kimye" reproduces & the stupidity of our nations fascination with a chick who's famous for nothing but having a big ass. It's annoying .

Mostly though, I'm heartbroken for that innocent baby that will be born into a life of endless publicity & criticism. Will the baby even feel true love from its media whore parents, or will her team of nannies be her source of  all things parental?

Duh, obviously God has a plan for every single person & that nothing ever really makes sense to a simple person like me but, why does that sweet baby get gifted to those parents? Why is the plan for Chris & I  to be to suffer childlessly? (& her sister Khloe)

As I rant about others having babies, I also weep in joy for my soon to be new niece, for the kindness of a surrogate for Giuliana Rancic, & two of my best friends that are expecting. I'm so happy for them, but my wounded heart won't allow me to enjoy their bellies like I want, my defense is in distance & knowing as few details as possible. The Kardashian pregnancy is being force fed to us all by our media, I have no control over how much I see since its treated as breaking news on tv, facebook, & at the grocery checkout. Please, please, please make a fool of me Kim & Kanye, love that baby more than yourself(which is ALOT) & know how incredibly blessed you are.