Watch the Baby Grow: Months 6, 7, & 9

Time for a photo update, except that I never took an 8 month photo-mom fail, the days are so short & time flies like never before.

Oklahoma State Aquarium

For Labor Day weekend we went to Tulsa to spend some time with Pop & Bubbly, while they attended the OU season opening game we went to the aquarium. 

Brit was initially overwhelmed by the amount of people around us by very quickly became enthralled with the fish. 

Helmet Head

Today Brit was fitted with his new DOC Band from Cranial Tecnologies. (http://www.cranialtech.com)

You know me well & will not be the least bit surprised to know that I cried when I first saw it, even as a pediatric nurse it has somewhat difficult for me to work through the idea of a medical device for my son yet, I realize that we are incredibly lucky that his diagnosis is so easily correctable. 

While we were waiting for our fitting, a mom at the clinic graciously gave us wonderful advice based on her son's short time with his band. Thankfully the entire DOC Band experience has been encouraging once the finances for the band were "figured out".

https://www.gofundme.com/brits-doc-band

As the band was fitted today Brit stuck his finger in his ear trying to decide what he thought about the whole thing & then immediately carried on with the toys he had been playing with. He didn't care one bit about wearing the band. Afterwards, since he was rockin' the band without any difficulty, we made a quick run to the grocery store & I got my first taste of stares & comments, I am fiercly protective over this sweet little boy, the gawking is so sad-it's only a helmet!

Brit will likely wear his band for 4 months, we will have biweekly appointments to monitor his progress & shave out the interior of the band to encourage changes in the skull growth pattern.

We have been so humbled & blessed the the generosity of our wonderful family, friends, & a few strangers too. Thank you is not enough to describe our gratitude with the money donated to purchase Brit's DOC Band, in TWO days you surpassed our goal, I wish there was a video of our reactions to the immediate response to our request for help. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for providing for my boy. 

These Boobies Save Lives

We have faced several challenges as new parents but one we have not had is any long term issues with my milk supply. I am passionate about breast feeding & have always had high hopes in successfully feeding my children in this manner. My goal is to provide Brit with breast milk until he's at least 9 months but preferably his entire first year. But since Brit started school he has become accustomed to the bottle & now prefers it to the breast, around that time we had a 100 minute messin' around breastfeeding session. He was just using that time for comfort & snuggling with his mama, which we both need but c'mon-mama ain't got time for that!

I hated making the decision but it was clear that pumping exclusively was the best choice for us at this time. I truly miss the bond that is created as you nurse your baby from your breast, it is totally different from bottle feeding, yet, we are so lucky to have the option & ability to continue providing breast milk. I pump every 4 hours & average about 8-10 ounces each session, except for my first pump of the day which is about 20 ounces. Brit typically eats a 6 ounce bottle every 3 hours & since I've been pumping from the start, I've built up a huge supply in the freezer.

Recently, I was made aware that there is a location in Fort Worth to donate breast milk for NICU babies in Texas & surrounding states called Mothers Milk Bank http://www.texasmilkbank.org/. I was immediately drawn to make a donation since Brit himself received donor breastmilk after birth, while I was too sick to nurse him. I felt like it was a major contribution I could easily make to help save a few babies lives. I was able to donate 150 ounces, which didn't even make a dent in our supply at home. Unfortunately I am only a one time donor due to new medication I have been taking, I encourage any new mama to consider donating, it is so easy: fill out a few forms, have some quick labwork drawn, & drop off or ship your milk, wah-lah: lives saved & you are forever blessed by your contribution! If you are interested but don't live in this area, holler at me & I'd be glad to bring milk back with me after a visit home to see family & drop it off for you.
Our freezer is shoved full of frozen milk & is acting wonky so, we have huge new freezer being delivered this week. At the rate I'm pumping it's likely that I may only have to pump another month & a half until I have enough frozen to get Brit through the next 6 months!

Watch The Baby Grow: Months 1-5

During month one mama got the board done but never a picture of the baby with it, she was beyond tired & a photo was the last thing on her mind.

At 6 weeks I finally moved to the co-sleeper & didn't spend the night in my mama's arms, mom was happy about that!

During month three I smiled, became alot more interactive, & started sleeping thru the night.  

At 12 weeks I  spent my nights sleeping in the bassinet, stopped breastfeeding & only took my breastmilk from a bottle. I laughed alot, learned to stomp, & rolled from my tummy for the first time.

At 5 months I like everyone, I try to sit up, I'm a drooling fool, & observe everything intensly.

Working Mama Blues

My dream as a little girl was to grow up & become a mother, specifically a stay at home mom. By the grace of God I finally have the baby I have always ached for & my gratitude for my son could never be adequately expressed in words. I recently returned to work since we can't make it by without my financial contribution due to our selfish & foolish spending habits in the past.

Everyday I send my son to be held, fed, & nurtured by someone else & I have never been more disappointed in myself & am genuinely angry that I didn't figure out long ago how to avoid this. (but I must say that if he must go to school, his facility has been fantastic) 

My already high-level emotions are on hyper drive, there is a lot of crying on a daily basis. As I kiss Brit goodbye I cry, I usually tear up at work several times a day, & when I walk in the door at night I practically sob upon taking Brit into my arms.

My job doesn't allow me to escape from the thought of my baby since I'm a pediatric nurse. My heart & soul ache for both day & night with him, mere hours in the evening are not nearly enough. I'm jealous of the time that his teachers get with him & that they get to watch him evolve into a sweet & happy boy. By the time I get home he is exhausted, fussy, or sleeping-all I do is hold him, there's little time for playing, reading, etc. Dinner, bills, baths, & life require attention too. Our weekends are a mad rush to accomplish everything it takes to run a household & at the same time trying to make every moment with my boy count. Since he has begun school & taking is a bottle all day, breastfeeding & my supply have taken a hit, I wanted to refuse to exclusively pump & bottle feed-but it became unavoidable this week. He has become so used to the bottle that he doesn't efficently or effectively eat at the breast. While I am still the one providing his nourishment my heart breaks at the loss of the experience with him-there is such beauty in the relationship between yourself & your child through breastfeeding. I cannot begin to understand how so many mothers trade it willingly for a bottle.

I feel stretched so thin & I know I'm battling the dark grip of depression again. The fight of getting Brit here was finally won, but the loss of raising him the way I have always dreamed of has been a massive blow. Repeatedly analyzing our situation doesn't help, I just keep thinking I could figure out a way to stay home with my boy & I don't know how to stop. I'm trying to cope & move on, this is the not only breaking my heart but it's also the loss of a life long dream, which is terribly hard to give up. Yes, there are worse things in life, but this was/is deeply important to me. I knew before he came that I was at an elevated risk for PPD due to multiple factors, forgetting the negative & embracing the positive hasn't been a solution, it's a band-aid fix. I want to be heard & even if what I say is stained & dirty-to be listened to & truly supported-not shushed with shallow responses. Depression is ugly, a glass half full approach isn't the cure. I feel hopless, alone, & angry that I can't just simply enjoy this time in my life after  the raging war to get here.
And just so that you know, there are many other factors that contribute, but don't need to be detailed & discussed here, I've shown enough ugly for now. These words are honest & from my heart & may not be embraced by each person that reads them but they are my reality & I ask for you to be kind in your thoughts & responses.

Brit's Baby Shower

Last weekend we finally got to have Brit's baby shower. My little red-headed man was the guest of honor & thoroughly enjoyed being passed around the room. 

My two closest & sweetest friends, two kind sister-in-laws, & two dear ladies organized a beautiful party, I felt so honored by the event. It was planned to consider all of my prefrences: simple, blue, & NO baby shower games!

There was a table for everyone to sign a diaper with silly or sweet words.

My favorite foods & beverages were served buffet style with the cutest touches.

MMM-Mimosas! Mama's first drink in a looong time!

Divine Red Velvet Cupcakes. I think I've eaten about a dozen.

I got to see friends that I have missed desperately.

We were blessed by so many gifts, I had such a fun time opening them.

By the end of the party my kiddo was wiped out from so many snuggles & kisses. There is something special about having the baby there at his own baby shower-better than playing some game for sure!

Chris made an appearance & I made it awkward. (I have no clue what we are doing here)

I want to thank each sweet lady that hosted & attended, we were so blessed by you that day.

*Weeza, you are the best girl I know, thank you from the bottom of my heart!*

The Kid Just Wants to Eat, is That too Much to Ask?

While we were in the hospital recovering from Brit's big arrival my doula came for a visit. She gave some amazing encouragement & calmed me in my drugged state, then she held Brit & gave him a thorough once over & announced that he had a severe lip & tongue tie. 

As I began breastfeeding I experienced toe-curling pain & had to use a nipple shield for an effective latch, Brit was also a lazy eater & would tire easily. We mentioned all of this plus the doula's lip & tongue tie suspicions to the hospital pediatrician, she checked Brit's mouth quickly & denied any issues & stated that the feeding difficulties were due to his prematurity.
We went home & nursing continued to be a nightmare, I constantly cried out of pain, frustration, & fatigue. The only positive was that my milk supply was plentiful, but we didn't know what else to do so I began exclusively pumping & then bottle feeding the expressed milk, it seemed to work moderately well for the baby, but my goal was to simply breastfeed. My sister-in-law was a fantastic encourager & resource as my personal lactation consultant, I called her constantly with each day's frustrations.
  On the day that my mom left & Chris returned to work our doula came over for a visit, she again checked Brit's mouth & was adamant that her previous diagnosis was correct & that he had a severe case. She recommended a couple of doctors to treat the ties, I called Dr.Cole & we were booked for the following day.
Dr.Cole performed a quick exam, confirming a lip & tongue tie & stated the tongue was about 80% tied-no wonder nursing was a nightmare. He then performed the frenectomy with a laser, Brit was upset mostly by being restrained by Chris & having lights in his eyes. Otherwise, he tolerated the procedure well as I stood crying in the corner, no mama should watch her 10 day old baby experience a surgical procedure.
We were given medication & exercises to help him heal properly, then were escorted to the nursing lounge where I nursed my son for the first time without excruciating pain. We loved seeing him finally be able to stick out his cute little tongue.
In the time since the frenectomy Brit has been breastfed exclusively. We still have to use the nipple shield & nursing has been far from easy: he only nurses off of one side, he doesn't drain the breast completely, has a hard time with the initial latch, he thinks the breast is where he should pass out, & I constantly fight engorgement. Soon I will have to return to work, Brit will have to take breast milk from a bottle while at school & only breastfeed at night. I wish we were old pro's at breastfeeding before he & I have to spend the day apart, I don't want the daily separation to hinder our progress.
We went for a weight check this week & our boy has grown to be 7lbs at 6 weeks of age. His doctor isn't thrilled with his weight at this time, wants him to have gained more. She verified that he has a good latch but it's just one more worry that we have.
Thankfully, Brit seems to enjoy nursing despite all the work it takes, he screams & growls until he latches & then quickly becomes deeply relaxed. I think he & I both prefer to breastfeed, as evidence by this sweet smirky smile:

Our Birth Story

Our birth & homecoming continued the way the pregnancy was going: it ain't all sunshine folks. 

I went to the doctor for my regular weekly checkup at 36weeks with plans to deliver via scheduled c-section later in the week. What happened instead was a very dramatic bleeding episode in the doctors office & a trip to the hospital for observation. After I got to Maternal Observation I went into labor with real contractions & high blood pressure, the decision was made that the baby was to be taken as quickly as possible to get us out of the danger zone.

Grandmothers were called & told to hit the highway towards Fort Worth immediately, Chris left to get the dog from the vet & to go home to get a few things, & my sister-in-law Trisha was on her way but stuck in traffic.

I was admitted to Labor & Delivery, had 2 IV's started, labs drawn & then was placed on Magnesium Sulfate to help lower my BP & prevent seizures. Mag Sulf is the juice of Satan, no words describe the horrors of this drug. That time was the scariest, alone, hellish medicine burning my veins, labor pains, knowing my life would forever be changed at 3 pm-I cried & watched the clock count down, terrified that I'd have to do it alone.
Chris arrived 15 minutes before I was taken to the OR & Trisha made it as I was being wheeled out.

Once in the operating room, I was given a spinal, I remember saying "God" & "shit!" in the same sentence & thinking it was probably sacreligious but funny. Chris & Trisha were ushered in as the c-section was started, the doctors commented that it was very fast & easy to open me up since I had no real abdominal adipose tissue, we made jokes & conversation.
Things quieted down in the room as Brit was born at 3:47pm, his first cries were the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.

Britton Wade Mullen weighed 5lb 4oz & was 19.25 " long, with copper colored hair.  He had a beautiful little conehead from being engaged in the birth canal-there was no way the boy would have made it to full term!

Soon after he was pulled from my belly I began having intense chest pain & my blood pressure dropped drastically, Dr.Z was having trouble with my uterus & the placenta was shredded. I was later diagnosed with eclampsia & a placental abruption. As I laid there & wondered if I was dying-the situation was not a good one. I had no clue what was happening, it was awful but there was still beauty in the birth of my sweet baby. My body held on to him as long as it could, that day I became a hero to myself.

After they got me stablized we were returned to my room for recovery, I hardly remember the next several days. Our mothers arrived & met the baby, I don't remember that. I have no clue if I explored my baby & counted fingers & toes. I am so thankful that there are photos & family to help me with those memories.

I was transferred to a special unit for one-on-one nursing care because of the magnesium sulfate, I was on fire then freezing, I itched to my core, I had double vision, I couldn't sleep for well over 24 hours, I cried constantly, I was severly anemic & looked like death, our family sat in the room watching me & waiting to cuddle the baby. Brit was only with us for a couple of hours in the first two days, he couldn't regulate his temperature or blood sugar & had to be kept in the nursery for special care.

After two days they turned off the mag bag, immediately the side effects began to subside, we went to Postpartum to finish our recovery. Unfortunately, we had difficulties breastfeeding & Brit was diagnosed with a lip & tongue tie. I still barely slept & felt in general like I'd been hit by a truck, but I was able to interact with everyone & finally bond with my baby. Chris was the best partner I could have ever hoped for during this time, strong & loving.

On our fourth day we were discharged, our long 4 year journey to have a baby of our own was finally a reality & I found it overwhelming, I cried as I dressed Brit for the trip home.

My mom stayed with us & helped the house adjust to a new baby. She encouraged us, fed us, held her grandson so his tired parents could sleep, taught me how to become a mother, massaged my engorged breasts, wiped away my everflowing tears, & loved on our shell shocked dogs. It was so hard to let her go home at the end of the week.

Since my Mom left & Chris returned to work I have struggled to perform well at motherhood. I feel like a failure several times a day, I no longer know how to coordinate my day & feel lucky if I get my teeth brushed. We have hit so many bumps in the road but we are all still alive! We are quickly nearing my return to work date & I'm terrified how it will all come together, more than anything my heart is being ripped out by the reality that I cannot stay at home to raise my son.

Our birth experience was so far from what we wanted, there is such grief in type of delivery & loss of memories of that special day, but having this boy has been the greatest (& hardest) thing I've ever done. It's only just the beginning....