The Darkness

I feel absent from my own life lately.

While there are some great things going on, I feel as if I'm surrounded by dark shadows.

I mean this not in my "normal" emotional, pessimistic way but, deeper. Darker. Some of it may be related to winter seasonal depression or junk I shall not talk about but, I know that the majority of it lays within our struggle to have a baby. December marks THREE years of infertility & miscarriage, December 31will be the day that I should have been giving birth to our second firstborn. Mourning babies lost has been a difficult experience, the moments of grief are unfulfilling, fleeting, & inconsistent. I want a gut wrenching sobfest to spew out at least some of the pain. Instead it sneaks up on me at the grocery store in the checkout line, during a toast to the newlyweds, as I perform my job duties, & of course, the stupid baby commercials on tv.
I think of my babies every single day but, I want to accomplish some sort of recovery from their loss & the ongoing inability to get/stay pregnant. I want to be able to dig my way out & carry on. But our options of "carrying on" such as IVF, adoption, & surrogacy all come with a high monetary price, & where will that money ever come from? Insurance only covers oral or injectible fertility medication, anything beyond that is our problem. We have hit a brick wall & I'm consumed by it, hence, I'm absent from the rest of my life. Knowing that we are meant to be parents but not having a sweet baby to love is like that itching feeling that you've forgotten something that makes it hard to focus on anything else & it'll drive you crazy until you finally figure it out. I am wholly consumed & in love with babies that I haven't met, I'm just not me without them.
Some of you may read this & think that we just need to move on, it's not meant to be, or that your "words of wisdom" will help us to to get over it. If this is you: please stop reading, go away, & never state your opinion to me. You haven't walked in these shoes. You'll hopefully never know the feeling of failure to give the man that you love a child that he also so desperately wants, the anger towards your own body, bitterness towards society for treating infertility like a dark secret, or fear that no one will pick you from others just like you to raise her baby. Instead, you can pray for this: fertility & strong uterus that bears a healthy baby, or a birth mother who desires that Chris & I give her baby a life in our arms & hearts.

Dr. Drama

I hate to admit that I am a Drama Queen. Honestly, everyone is-in their own way.

Thankfully in this instance I did not create it, but it existed around me, was directed at me & I got too emotionally involved & invested in it (as usual).

I was already feeling emotionally drained by living in a new, unfamiliar city, and feeling isolated & alone when the soap opera of my most recent job began. I left my hometown, moved away from my family & friends, & sold my house for a "too good to be true" job in FtW.

I belive the stress of the job contributed to my miscarriage, I left or lost so much for the sake of that job & am quite possibly clinically depressed again over every little bit of it.

There were many incidents commited by my boss (lets call him Dr. Drama) that I saw as unethical, actions of poor judgement, & downright ridiculous. Very quickly he saw where I stood ethically & he retaliated. He used my miscarriage as a mindgame & a weapon against me. Payroll was hardly ever on time.

The vast amount of stress that was produced in that job had me drowning in drama & gasping for air.

Once I began having chestpain at work, I knew I couldn't take it any longer.

So, I QUIT! But I only had partial relief. He still owed me my last paycheck, and he was still treating my coworker & the patients horribly. I felt so guilty for leaving them to face him alone. I'm having a hard time distancing myself & letting the assistant fight her own fight, I want to take care of everyone & make it all okay.

In a way I envy everyone in the past that has been able to shrug him off & cut their losses. But at the same time this has me questioning, if we all do that will he ever cease to abuse the title of doctor? Is it my place to stand up for what is right? Can I be the one to scream out "STOP"?  I believe so, because it only takes one person to jumpstart change, even if you stand alone, fight for what is right, be the vocal advocate of ethical standards.

I am so ready to be completly done with Dr. Drama so that no longer he plays a part in my life, he has an unwelcome hold on me. I want  to be emotionally invested in other things, happy things.
Thankfully the day after I quit, God provided me with a wonderful job that I start on Monday. Here's to yet another new chapter.....

bday

Today is my 31st birthday.

I woke up with a nice zit.

The End.

Autopilot

There have been a few days have nearly destroyed me, I really wonder how I've made it through them.

The worst day was the one of the ultrasound appointment that confirmed our fears. We were waiting in the exam room to discuss everything with the doctor, the walls were paper thin. I heard him enter the room next to us & converse with his patient about her progressing pregnancy, then I heard the loud, strong heartbeat of her baby on the dopplar. I jammed my fingers in my ears to drown out the sound, but I could still hear it over my own sobs. My sweet husband draped his body over mine & held me as I lay on the exam table in the fetal position while all my pain spewed out. 

Less than one week later, my only coworker blurted out, "Aubrey, I'm pregnant". She commented on & inquired about her new pregnancy all day. I felt like I was bleeding out emotionally. She fretted about telling our boss, but he had to know since it would immediately affect her abilities to perform certain tasks. I approached him with her news for her, to be able to stop discussing it. He replied, "what about you?" with a cold tone, not caring about anything other than having someone be able to take his xrays for him. A week before I'd already told him I was pregnant & then a few days later that I might be micarrying, not once did he ever ask if I was okay, just "what about YOU?" to ensure that he wouldn't have to do the task himself.  There have been several other insensitive comments that he's made, he was supposed to be a dear friend to my husband. 

Sadly, it has taken me nearly two years to be able to see a baby or a pregnant woman without a surge of pain bubbling up, I hate that I'm close to being back to that point again. Thankfully though, this miscarriage has been both physically & emotionally eaisier on me than the last. It still hurts my heart just as much, but I feel more prepared for the pain than the last time.

But, everyday includes moments that make me think of my two little babies that I'll never know & my heart breaks a little more. I hope more than anything that my father Bo has one in each arm & shows them the love that wish I could.

Two Pink Lines

Two pink lines.

Surprised, cry, hyperventilate, quickly beg "dear God, let me keep this one".

Buy stuffed bunny & My Dad Loves Me book. 

Happy.

Daydream & plan our future together as a family of three.

Labwork. Phone call from Dr. Z, low progesterone, draw more blood.  

Phone call, further decreased progesterone.

Terrified.

Cramping, bleeding, back pain, tissue & blood clots.

Sonogram, "no longer any evidence of a viable pregnancy".

Numb.

Broken.

Again.

February.

Oh my word. This month has been so overwhelming.
We sold our house after the first showing(hallelujaurrr)but, doing so required me to pack, move, & close in 3 weeks-it was crazy. We were walking out of the house as the new owner was walking in, there was not a moment to spare.
We have found a fantastic house in FtW, unfortunately it is in probate & will take awhile to close, so in the meantime I am staying with my parents, our stuff sits in THREE storage units, and having quit my job to pack-I don't have much to do. Finally. I can do things like: give the dogs haircuts, request medical records, paint Mom's bedroom furniture. The free time is great, but while we wait for our new house we are on a single income. My job in FtW is sitting, waiting, I'm nervous & edgy.
This week also marks two years since I miscarried & have battled infertility. Two years. I had suddenly realized that I am that girl, the one that can't have babies. Everybody knows one, it's me, 1 in 4. That shit is hard to swallow.

Beer Bread

My friend, E.B. recently shared her recipe for EASY beer bread. It only has 3 ingredients, can be thrown together in 5 minutes, and is like manna from heaven. 

Beer Bread

3 Cups Self Rising Flour

1/2 Cup Sugar

1 ROOM TEMP Shiner Bock Beer

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Combine ingredients in large bowl using a fork.NO KNEADING! 

Grease and flour bread pan.

Evenly plop dough into bread pan.

Bake for about 45 minutes.

Slice and butter the bread while warm and eat it for dinner, who cares about protein or veggies?!

We have become Beer Bread Addicts, it's no wonder my pants are tighter! 

Homemade Christmas in January: a Wreath & Art.

This past Christmas was a very frugal one for us. I wanted to give my inlaws something that they would enjoy, but kept coming up with very expensive gift ideas. I decided to look at Bubbly's Pinterest board for inspiration and found this:

http://pinterest.com/pin/259590365991016365/

Now inspired and excited, I ran to Hobby Lobby and got: a large framed picture on clearance, 2 yards of burlap, a large gold M, white spray paint, and extra hot glue.

Spray paint both the frame & letter.

I doubled up my burlap and just covered the backside of the picture itself. Glue burlap down on all sides to prevent sagging, fold and staple corners.

Insert burlap "picture" into frame. 

Quickly glue the letter into place and apply pressure until completely dry. Distress frame and letter edges with fine grit sandpaper.

I was pretty pleased with the end result, but it just wasn't enough by itself. So, I made a wreath.

I bought another 2 yards of burlap, some wooden letters, and a can of red glitter spray paint.

I cut the burlap into 4 inch wide strips.

 I had a sudden craving for toast and milk. It was de-lish!

Pre-folding burlap into stacks helps to make the threading onto the hanger faster.

At this point, the center of my burlap is threaded onto the hanger, but the hanger sagged under the weight and looked pathetic. I ran out, got a wreath form and wired the two together into a circle. I spray painted my letters glittery red, and wired them to the wreath after drying. 

 Now, I realize that this wreath is in support of Oklahoma football and how sacreligious it was to make in this Texas house, BUT-the things you do for those you love. I will repent and I beg for your forgiveness. 

And since we just gave them their gift this week, even though it's been wrapped for a month:

Merry Christmas in January, Pop & Bubbly!

Airstream Song

Have you ever heard a song that speaks to your soul, one that can sing your heart?  Airstream Song by Miranda Lambert is my favorite. I will play it on repeat over and over again because, it moves me, it knows me better than any person ever has, it makes me feel and breathe. I have never known two and a half minutes to be so cleansing and reassuring, what's your best song?

Listen to Miranda sing Airstream Song here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShgRbLYwreA

 ::I'll always be unsatisfied::

Haircut for Humanity. (really for vanity but humanity sounded better)

I finally cut my hair! I was getting tired of having no specific style, yes it was beautiful hair but I was feeling so blah. After thinking about it for waaaay too long , I was inspired by Kate's cut from http://www.thesmallthingsblog.com/2011/09/my-haircut.html. (I am also now on the Aquage Uplifting Foam bandwagon, this stuff is awesome, no wonder it has a cult following!) My fabulous stylist/therapist KK, rocked my haircut. She was able to cut off 13 inches to donate to sweet little babes with cancer and other illnesses that cause hair loss. Locks of Love accepts UNbleached hair 10 inches or longer to be made into children's wigs, but will also accept shorter and/or grey hair to be sold to help offset costs. Here's my cheesy self portrait in the car prior to my cut, I was pretty nervous!

Look at all of that hair! This marks my third donation!

The new & improved ol' gal:

BOOM!

If you care to make a hair donation of your own, go to http://www.locksoflove.org/, help a child feel just that much more "normal" & gorgeous too!

A Sign In The Yard.

There's a sign in my yard.

So that we don't end up with a stalker, this pic is all you get. I'm still a little nervous after the Craigslist death threat we received. For real. 

We are selling our sweet little house that we JUST finished f*ing remodeling, so that we are able to live together as a married couple. Marriage is hard four hours apart.

This move is both exciting and panic inducing. I've never moved away before, I'm a little scared. I've had so many lunch dates with old pals recently in case "it's the last time I ever get to see you". 

Dramatic? Definitely.

Chris has been working in Ft Worth and commuting home for weekend visits. Gas prices, hotel rooms, and fast food have been terrible on our budget and the distance has taken a toll on my man.  It's time for us to relocate there to be together. I have a job lined up that I am beyond excited about. We have found a neighborhood that is close to work, with a house that we can see making into our longterm home. Cross your fingers that it stays on the market until ours sells.

So many new dreams, goals, and traditions can be made in Ft Worth. For us, it's a city of potential that is just four hours from home if we need a quick hometown fix.  

So, if you are looking for a 3 bed, 2 bath, 1400sq ft patio home with a.maz.ing floors and beautiful bathrooms and so much more, have I got the perfect place for you.....

Ten Random Memories

I recently scanned a bunch of old pictures into the computer. I realize that I am not the most photogenic of gals, I am a master of the sleepy/drunk look, whatev-good or bad, they make me laugh. 

Probably the best photo I have ever taken since the age of 3. Talk about making love to the camera! (shout out to Farrah Fawcett)

As my brother recently inquired, who the hell bought that bathing suit, it barely covers my nips.

Evidence that I was a selfless & giving big sister, trashbag rain protection.

Though it may seem to make perfect fashion sense at the time, besties dressing like twins does not help increase your chances of getting a boyfriend.

Inappropriate biting in a youth group van. Seriously.

My goat, Honey. Can you feel the love?

Always think twice about buying leather pants. And, allowing your college roomie to cut your hair in the front yard of your dorm.

The food in Moscow sucks, so eat pizza & pastries instead. Look like a dumb tourist & then come home lookin' like a fatty......

Aubrey, TX. Population: Awesome.

And just to prove that non-photogenic-ness runs in the family, here's a jewel of Bella.

Football, Shopping, and Food.

To bring 2011 to an end Chris and I met up in Ft Worth for a quick weekend. It began with me flying to DFW Airport on Thursday with a $56 ticket, SCORE! We had a quick dinner & went promptly to sleep at our hotel-like the boring ol' fogies that we are. On Friday, we attended the Armed Forces Bowl featuring Tulsa University VS. BYU at the beautiful SMU campus in Dallas. It was the perfect day for football.

Afterwards we went to Northpark Mall for some big city shopping, trust me-this is a BIG deal when you are stuck with a small town mall back home. Anthropologie, my mothership, beckoned me in right away.
http://www.anthropologie.com

After a long day of much walking I wanted a simple, light dinner. My choice was Central Market and boy, did it hit the spot.

Yum-o!

Convieniently, World Market is located doors away from Central Market, I found two things that I cannot live without.          
http://www.worldmarket.com

Sadly, they remain in the store, and not here with me. Sob.... Please don't feel uncomfortable by my weeping.

Anyways, on Saturday morning we did some other stuff that I'll talk about later, and then drove home to my puppies. I had a crazy terrible migrane, so I hopped into the tub as soon as we parked the truck.  My master bath has been out of operation for the last 9 months, finally being able to take a bath was so, so good.

New Year's eve ended with a Harry Potter movie & going to sleep before midnight. I hope that the end of 2011 was just as satisfying for you. Happy 2012 y'all!