The Kid Just Wants to Eat, is That too Much to Ask?

While we were in the hospital recovering from Brit's big arrival my doula came for a visit. She gave some amazing encouragement & calmed me in my drugged state, then she held Brit & gave him a thorough once over & announced that he had a severe lip & tongue tie. 

As I began breastfeeding I experienced toe-curling pain & had to use a nipple shield for an effective latch, Brit was also a lazy eater & would tire easily. We mentioned all of this plus the doula's lip & tongue tie suspicions to the hospital pediatrician, she checked Brit's mouth quickly & denied any issues & stated that the feeding difficulties were due to his prematurity.
We went home & nursing continued to be a nightmare, I constantly cried out of pain, frustration, & fatigue. The only positive was that my milk supply was plentiful, but we didn't know what else to do so I began exclusively pumping & then bottle feeding the expressed milk, it seemed to work moderately well for the baby, but my goal was to simply breastfeed. My sister-in-law was a fantastic encourager & resource as my personal lactation consultant, I called her constantly with each day's frustrations.
  On the day that my mom left & Chris returned to work our doula came over for a visit, she again checked Brit's mouth & was adamant that her previous diagnosis was correct & that he had a severe case. She recommended a couple of doctors to treat the ties, I called Dr.Cole & we were booked for the following day.
Dr.Cole performed a quick exam, confirming a lip & tongue tie & stated the tongue was about 80% tied-no wonder nursing was a nightmare. He then performed the frenectomy with a laser, Brit was upset mostly by being restrained by Chris & having lights in his eyes. Otherwise, he tolerated the procedure well as I stood crying in the corner, no mama should watch her 10 day old baby experience a surgical procedure.
We were given medication & exercises to help him heal properly, then were escorted to the nursing lounge where I nursed my son for the first time without excruciating pain. We loved seeing him finally be able to stick out his cute little tongue.
In the time since the frenectomy Brit has been breastfed exclusively. We still have to use the nipple shield & nursing has been far from easy: he only nurses off of one side, he doesn't drain the breast completely, has a hard time with the initial latch, he thinks the breast is where he should pass out, & I constantly fight engorgement. Soon I will have to return to work, Brit will have to take breast milk from a bottle while at school & only breastfeed at night. I wish we were old pro's at breastfeeding before he & I have to spend the day apart, I don't want the daily separation to hinder our progress.
We went for a weight check this week & our boy has grown to be 7lbs at 6 weeks of age. His doctor isn't thrilled with his weight at this time, wants him to have gained more. She verified that he has a good latch but it's just one more worry that we have.
Thankfully, Brit seems to enjoy nursing despite all the work it takes, he screams & growls until he latches & then quickly becomes deeply relaxed. I think he & I both prefer to breastfeed, as evidence by this sweet smirky smile:

Our Birth Story

Our birth & homecoming continued the way the pregnancy was going: it ain't all sunshine folks. 

I went to the doctor for my regular weekly checkup at 36weeks with plans to deliver via scheduled c-section later in the week. What happened instead was a very dramatic bleeding episode in the doctors office & a trip to the hospital for observation. After I got to Maternal Observation I went into labor with real contractions & high blood pressure, the decision was made that the baby was to be taken as quickly as possible to get us out of the danger zone.

Grandmothers were called & told to hit the highway towards Fort Worth immediately, Chris left to get the dog from the vet & to go home to get a few things, & my sister-in-law Trisha was on her way but stuck in traffic.

I was admitted to Labor & Delivery, had 2 IV's started, labs drawn & then was placed on Magnesium Sulfate to help lower my BP & prevent seizures. Mag Sulf is the juice of Satan, no words describe the horrors of this drug. That time was the scariest, alone, hellish medicine burning my veins, labor pains, knowing my life would forever be changed at 3 pm-I cried & watched the clock count down, terrified that I'd have to do it alone.
Chris arrived 15 minutes before I was taken to the OR & Trisha made it as I was being wheeled out.

Once in the operating room, I was given a spinal, I remember saying "God" & "shit!" in the same sentence & thinking it was probably sacreligious but funny. Chris & Trisha were ushered in as the c-section was started, the doctors commented that it was very fast & easy to open me up since I had no real abdominal adipose tissue, we made jokes & conversation.
Things quieted down in the room as Brit was born at 3:47pm, his first cries were the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.

Britton Wade Mullen weighed 5lb 4oz & was 19.25 " long, with copper colored hair.  He had a beautiful little conehead from being engaged in the birth canal-there was no way the boy would have made it to full term!

Soon after he was pulled from my belly I began having intense chest pain & my blood pressure dropped drastically, Dr.Z was having trouble with my uterus & the placenta was shredded. I was later diagnosed with eclampsia & a placental abruption. As I laid there & wondered if I was dying-the situation was not a good one. I had no clue what was happening, it was awful but there was still beauty in the birth of my sweet baby. My body held on to him as long as it could, that day I became a hero to myself.

After they got me stablized we were returned to my room for recovery, I hardly remember the next several days. Our mothers arrived & met the baby, I don't remember that. I have no clue if I explored my baby & counted fingers & toes. I am so thankful that there are photos & family to help me with those memories.

I was transferred to a special unit for one-on-one nursing care because of the magnesium sulfate, I was on fire then freezing, I itched to my core, I had double vision, I couldn't sleep for well over 24 hours, I cried constantly, I was severly anemic & looked like death, our family sat in the room watching me & waiting to cuddle the baby. Brit was only with us for a couple of hours in the first two days, he couldn't regulate his temperature or blood sugar & had to be kept in the nursery for special care.

After two days they turned off the mag bag, immediately the side effects began to subside, we went to Postpartum to finish our recovery. Unfortunately, we had difficulties breastfeeding & Brit was diagnosed with a lip & tongue tie. I still barely slept & felt in general like I'd been hit by a truck, but I was able to interact with everyone & finally bond with my baby. Chris was the best partner I could have ever hoped for during this time, strong & loving.

On our fourth day we were discharged, our long 4 year journey to have a baby of our own was finally a reality & I found it overwhelming, I cried as I dressed Brit for the trip home.

My mom stayed with us & helped the house adjust to a new baby. She encouraged us, fed us, held her grandson so his tired parents could sleep, taught me how to become a mother, massaged my engorged breasts, wiped away my everflowing tears, & loved on our shell shocked dogs. It was so hard to let her go home at the end of the week.

Since my Mom left & Chris returned to work I have struggled to perform well at motherhood. I feel like a failure several times a day, I no longer know how to coordinate my day & feel lucky if I get my teeth brushed. We have hit so many bumps in the road but we are all still alive! We are quickly nearing my return to work date & I'm terrified how it will all come together, more than anything my heart is being ripped out by the reality that I cannot stay at home to raise my son.

Our birth experience was so far from what we wanted, there is such grief in type of delivery & loss of memories of that special day, but having this boy has been the greatest (& hardest) thing I've ever done. It's only just the beginning....